Super helpful, I used to take false responsibility for bumping into someone’s triggers, (of which I have my own collection) by God’s grace I am learning whose trigger is going off, and how to respond. Your clarifying questions are so helpful- a singular event, or a pattern or my triggers? Or even a combination? When do I speak up? To whom and when, Holy Spirit, we need wisdom! And, absolutely no chances on child abuse…but why do we stand by when there’s abuse in adult relationships? Especially with people in positions of authority? All on the journey…thanks for your insights. ❤️
I appreciate this post very much! When things blew up between me and my (former) closest friend, she called me a "trigger" because I had questioned some comments she had made in a group we were in, and that touched on deep shame from her childhood trauma -- yet this friend had also thought I was too "reserved" and didn't give enough feedback to her when she spoke of her past. Knowing my own need for stability and security in relationships (Enneagram 6 - hope mentioning the E word doesn't upset anyone ;-) ) I now feel I sacrificed a lot of true safety to stay in this relationship as long as I did (part of which was my own need to be seen as That Safe Friend.) But I have learned a lot about myself from the experience. I like your subtitle: "Is it an average? A pattern? A feeling?" That is going to help me both in terms of what others are doing AND what I find myself doing. Thanks again, I really connect with so many of the things you write about!
This is lovely, Lore. I think where people got so allergic to the idea of triggers was that a) culture has been slowly demanding, since 2012 and even earlier, that everyone else be extremely aware/sensitive of the triggers of strangers in a way that put a lot of burden on people trying to just live their lives and b) we automatically assume if we triggered someone, we're Bad with a capital B. But all a trigger is, like you said, is something that touches your emotional center. You should know your triggers *for your own sake* so that you can move through the world in an emotionally healthy way while healing, not so that you can demand everyone fall in line. This captures that idea so so perfectly.
Really great insights here. I particularly like your conclusion that "if I keep myself in those environments way past full, I'm gonna start feeling like they're the problem, and they're not entirely the problem." That's a really helpful and realistic realization.
I am wondering though, how should I know when that "trigger" is not just a matter of personal safety (something unique to me and my wounds) but is instead an actual warning sign that this person is in some way harmful to those around me (thinking specifically of my children here). Someone may trigger me with a loud voice, and talking over me. Someone may also trigger me by gaslighting me or denigrating my basic needs. I think the later is more objectively wrong - but its a pretty fuzzy grey line. When does it become appropriate for my own discomfort to be a reason to avoid putting OTHERS in that environment because it's objectively damaging, not just personally damaging.
These are really good questions =) I'm just going to take a stab at it, but I'll be curious for other people's barometers as well.
It's helpful for me to think about things in a one-time vs pattern way—with a caveat (below).
Is this a one time experience of this person? Do they understand what gaslighting is, why it's harmful, that they're doing it at all, and that there's a better way to handle conflict? Or is this an ongoing thing with them that has been raised before in a non-anxious way and that they're just choosing to ignore? In the former case, it's not a pattern. In the latter, it's a pattern.
Both are objectively wrong (doing it once AND having a pattern of doing it), but the pattern is more grievous and harmful, and it's good and right for us to remove ourselves and warn other vulnerable people from the environment.
Now the caveat: This doesn't work across the board for all things. Even if the sexual abuse of a child isn't a pattern, one time is enough for me to never put a kid in their care again to see if a pattern emerges AND for the perpetrator to receive legal consequences without seeing if second chances will work. No second chances when abuse of kids are involved.
This is helpful. I think I struggle with where I am to discern what is the difference between something that’s unhelpful *for me* and something that is bad/unhelpful/unwise *period*. Perhaps that kind of black/white thinking is part of my problem?
Absolutely. I think where I need to put in more work is wisdom/discernment in that gray area where something may not be “evil” - but is it a “harmful” teaching/theology/person, etc.? Or just not helpful for me?
Yup! We've all got to work to do this. There very much are very evil people and deeds in the world, and, especially when there's a pattern of them and no repentance for them or no true justice done for them, we should stand up and say, "This is evil."
Our work though, is to learn when it's a one-off situation or just a trigger for us, and when it truly is evil that should be held to account. You'll never hear me say we shouldn't hold evil to account.
Haha! Well, I’m the loud, energetic person who takes up a lot of space in conversation. I have to say, I’ve been aware for many years that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and have prayed over it quite a bit. And then there are other people who really love me just as I am!
But in the end, like you said, we have to just go around the world doing our best to love one another, knowing that not everyone will like us. And, when we have a problem with someone else (or feel triggered, as you say) it almost always has more to do with me than with them.
If it helps, I am often the quieter one in relationships, who often does not offer up much of myself verbally, especially unless asked directly, and that is ALSO a behavior many of my friends have found difficult, and something I've prayed for help for years about. So we're all just trying to learn how to show up more healthily in the world =)
So important for me today ! Thank you Lore. One of my favorite lines: "if I keep myself in those environments way past full, I'm gonna start feeling like they're the problem, and they're not entirely the problem." I need to examine myself and realize that I will also always be someone else's trigger, Amen Sister... very new thought for me. Thank you XO
Super helpful, I used to take false responsibility for bumping into someone’s triggers, (of which I have my own collection) by God’s grace I am learning whose trigger is going off, and how to respond. Your clarifying questions are so helpful- a singular event, or a pattern or my triggers? Or even a combination? When do I speak up? To whom and when, Holy Spirit, we need wisdom! And, absolutely no chances on child abuse…but why do we stand by when there’s abuse in adult relationships? Especially with people in positions of authority? All on the journey…thanks for your insights. ❤️
This is such a helpful way of framing triggers and what it means to find safety.
This was excellent. Thank you, Lore, for posting.
I appreciate this post very much! When things blew up between me and my (former) closest friend, she called me a "trigger" because I had questioned some comments she had made in a group we were in, and that touched on deep shame from her childhood trauma -- yet this friend had also thought I was too "reserved" and didn't give enough feedback to her when she spoke of her past. Knowing my own need for stability and security in relationships (Enneagram 6 - hope mentioning the E word doesn't upset anyone ;-) ) I now feel I sacrificed a lot of true safety to stay in this relationship as long as I did (part of which was my own need to be seen as That Safe Friend.) But I have learned a lot about myself from the experience. I like your subtitle: "Is it an average? A pattern? A feeling?" That is going to help me both in terms of what others are doing AND what I find myself doing. Thanks again, I really connect with so many of the things you write about!
Thank you for sharing all this, Jeannie =) And thanks for being here!
This was very helpful, and very gentle. :)
And if I see the word enneagram one more time... LOL
Love this! So powerful!
Lore, this is so, so good. Thank you.
This is lovely, Lore. I think where people got so allergic to the idea of triggers was that a) culture has been slowly demanding, since 2012 and even earlier, that everyone else be extremely aware/sensitive of the triggers of strangers in a way that put a lot of burden on people trying to just live their lives and b) we automatically assume if we triggered someone, we're Bad with a capital B. But all a trigger is, like you said, is something that touches your emotional center. You should know your triggers *for your own sake* so that you can move through the world in an emotionally healthy way while healing, not so that you can demand everyone fall in line. This captures that idea so so perfectly.
Agreed. Being aware of our emotional triggers is healthiest for US and therefore makes our world healthier as a whole.
Really great insights here. I particularly like your conclusion that "if I keep myself in those environments way past full, I'm gonna start feeling like they're the problem, and they're not entirely the problem." That's a really helpful and realistic realization.
I am wondering though, how should I know when that "trigger" is not just a matter of personal safety (something unique to me and my wounds) but is instead an actual warning sign that this person is in some way harmful to those around me (thinking specifically of my children here). Someone may trigger me with a loud voice, and talking over me. Someone may also trigger me by gaslighting me or denigrating my basic needs. I think the later is more objectively wrong - but its a pretty fuzzy grey line. When does it become appropriate for my own discomfort to be a reason to avoid putting OTHERS in that environment because it's objectively damaging, not just personally damaging.
These are really good questions =) I'm just going to take a stab at it, but I'll be curious for other people's barometers as well.
It's helpful for me to think about things in a one-time vs pattern way—with a caveat (below).
Is this a one time experience of this person? Do they understand what gaslighting is, why it's harmful, that they're doing it at all, and that there's a better way to handle conflict? Or is this an ongoing thing with them that has been raised before in a non-anxious way and that they're just choosing to ignore? In the former case, it's not a pattern. In the latter, it's a pattern.
Both are objectively wrong (doing it once AND having a pattern of doing it), but the pattern is more grievous and harmful, and it's good and right for us to remove ourselves and warn other vulnerable people from the environment.
Now the caveat: This doesn't work across the board for all things. Even if the sexual abuse of a child isn't a pattern, one time is enough for me to never put a kid in their care again to see if a pattern emerges AND for the perpetrator to receive legal consequences without seeing if second chances will work. No second chances when abuse of kids are involved.
I hope that makes sense.
Very well said, Lore.
I realize that I am "too much" at times for others.
God is working on that in me...
Nice topic. Who is the boss, exactly, right?
Oooof. I’m someone’s trigger, too. Hard to read, but I think you’re exactly right. Good thing to remember.
This is helpful. I think I struggle with where I am to discern what is the difference between something that’s unhelpful *for me* and something that is bad/unhelpful/unwise *period*. Perhaps that kind of black/white thinking is part of my problem?
Absolutely. I think where I need to put in more work is wisdom/discernment in that gray area where something may not be “evil” - but is it a “harmful” teaching/theology/person, etc.? Or just not helpful for me?
Yup. I tried to articulate this in my response to Katie above.
Yup! We've all got to work to do this. There very much are very evil people and deeds in the world, and, especially when there's a pattern of them and no repentance for them or no true justice done for them, we should stand up and say, "This is evil."
Our work though, is to learn when it's a one-off situation or just a trigger for us, and when it truly is evil that should be held to account. You'll never hear me say we shouldn't hold evil to account.
Haha! Well, I’m the loud, energetic person who takes up a lot of space in conversation. I have to say, I’ve been aware for many years that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and have prayed over it quite a bit. And then there are other people who really love me just as I am!
But in the end, like you said, we have to just go around the world doing our best to love one another, knowing that not everyone will like us. And, when we have a problem with someone else (or feel triggered, as you say) it almost always has more to do with me than with them.
A good word, Lore. Thanks for sharing ❤️
If it helps, I am often the quieter one in relationships, who often does not offer up much of myself verbally, especially unless asked directly, and that is ALSO a behavior many of my friends have found difficult, and something I've prayed for help for years about. So we're all just trying to learn how to show up more healthily in the world =)
Indeed, trudging along arm-in-arm. ❤️
So important for me today ! Thank you Lore. One of my favorite lines: "if I keep myself in those environments way past full, I'm gonna start feeling like they're the problem, and they're not entirely the problem." I need to examine myself and realize that I will also always be someone else's trigger, Amen Sister... very new thought for me. Thank you XO
I'm glad it was important for you today!
I’m so glad you put this in a newsletter. 🧡 keep writing Lore.
Thanks, Mel! Also, dropped some mail in the very hands of the mail person yesterday!