I can relate so much to the idea (I, too, view it as fact) that anyone could do what I do, and maybe even better. But I also sometimes struggle with the opposite--that no one else can take my place, so I need to be there come hell or high water (or in my case, Epstein Barr Virus which has had me in bed most of the past year). We are contradictory creatures! Also can't wait to read your book.
"Releasing a book into the world is a huge act of vulnerability. Maybe some people do it and feel like patting themselves on the back for it, but I mostly feel like crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head for the foreseeable future. To show up and continue to show up takes almost every ounce of my energy. I want to believe that my showing up matters not just to you and you and you, but also to me and to God because it is how I grow and mature and change and become more of who I am actually created to be." I feel this so deeply. It will be months before I start releasing my book, and it felt so much safer when it was still years. Everyday, I hear the detractors in my head. Everyday, I'm afraid people will see only the ugly and not the beauty. Everyday, I'm afraid I'll ruin my life by sharing my book. But reading your words helps me realize it might be just a natural fear more than a valid concern. :) I have to tell myself over and over that I get to have words, I get to have ideas; it's so easy to feel like they don't matter.
A few years ago at a writer's conference, I came up with a compelling synopsis of my novel on the spot that actually grabbed people's interest. The tragedy is that I didn't write it down! So now I'm always just trying to grab the essence out of thin air haha. But here goes:
Isla is caught between her working class background and her position at City Hall. She wants to champion the poor, yet she struggles with unacknowledged prejudice towards both them and the more well-off. Ultimately, she has to take a hard look at who she really is, admit her hypocrisy and frailty, and learn to truly love and value people.
Dave is a yoga instructor who lacks business sense and common sense, but he knows how to count the cost in love and choose love anyway.
On another level, it is about the audacity of mercy, the radical and almost unpalatable quality of mercy taken out to it's full extent. In reaction to what I see as a willingness to condemn people for matters both large and small, I was playing with the idea of, "Do we/I want to live in a world where it's possible to go beyond mercy, where we hasten to declare things unforgivable." That's an aspect of the plot I haven't gone into here. : ) But it ties in importantly to Isla's character arc because she lacks compassion for even small things at the beginning before eventually understanding how deeply in need of mercy she is herself.
So it's not exactly a dramatic page-turner, and anytime you declare your own subject matter "almost unpalatable", you know there will be other people who don't like it! I think I need a more plot based synopsis, but at least this is something. Thanks for asking, I hope you don't regret it!
Lore, I'm incredibly grateful for your share about this feeling. I've been talking with one of my dearests about ME and this very thing -- and we both agreed (again) that I need therapy. :-) Your sharing makes way for those of us who think we're alone in it and serves as a reminder that life is hard, but better when we get to do it with other people.
I'm in the middle of drafting an outline for a difficult conversation I need to have with someone that asks, "what do you see as my value in this space" because I don't feel it. The inconsequentialness of my presence feels overwhelming, and somewhere in my head I know it isn't true, maybe.
I don't know, it's all weird. Thanks for letting me not feel weird alone!
I'm excited for your book and can't wait to read it!
I second what Chris Yokel said above. I leave the little notification on until I have time to sit down and properly read it. Just seeing that notification gives me a wee thrill of anticipation every time.
This is a familiar feeling. I think for me, much of it comes from being let go of in places where I *should* have been missed. And so it becomes hard to fathom that if (those people who should have cared) can just let me go, then why would anyone else even notice that I’m gone? It’s this perpetual fear of erasure, and I’m always surprised when someone notices I’m gone. But this is a good thing to be thinking about as we tie up these endings before moving. It is not valuing the good relationships in my life to assume that the loss of my presence will not matter; because maybe what I’m really saying with that is, “I don’t trust anyone to care”.
Hmmmm. That's good self-awareness there, Annelise. A fear of erasure. I don't think it's quite the same with me, a fear of being erased. It's more a fear of standing out, of being or becoming too important to someone. It's probably, at its root, a fear of disappointing people with how very ordinary I am =)
Thank you for shedding your vulnerabilities here. It is a moulting process. God is your ultimate safety net. It’s hard to believe that before you step off into the unknown. I used to be fearless in front of people. But after waking up to the world after inhabiting such a small space as a caregiver, I’ve changed. I prefer the background—the underground if I could. I have to pray about how to speak to people, be with others without trying to dive into their soul in the first five minutes—“Are you a safe person for me to speak to…are you going to reject me, hurt me?” Maybe I always thought those things and overcompensated with fearlessness and surety. Now it’s by faith alone that I am re-navigating life, people, myself. You are not alone, Lore. He is here.
I cannot wait to hold your book in my hand and I will miss you here. I am always excited to open your emails (probably more than anyone else’s). This post also names something very real that I was wrestling with just last night. I also don’t think my presence matters- surely someone else would be just as good. That has never been named for me before so I will have to do some work here. Thank you for being so vulnerable.
I can’t wait for the books to show up in the mail!!!
"your belief in the inconsequentialness of your presence" oof, that hit me deep in my own tender insecurities.
Hooray for being vulnerable! Even when it makes you want to crawl back into bed. You are brave <3
I can relate so much to the idea (I, too, view it as fact) that anyone could do what I do, and maybe even better. But I also sometimes struggle with the opposite--that no one else can take my place, so I need to be there come hell or high water (or in my case, Epstein Barr Virus which has had me in bed most of the past year). We are contradictory creatures! Also can't wait to read your book.
Very excited to get your book in hand and post a pic! A friend and I are already planning on a little book club with it.
“It is a deep down belief about myself that I’ve actually framed as a virtue, a sort of self-forgetfulness that masks as a twisted sort of humility.”
Relatable!
Oooof. I hate that you relate =(
"Releasing a book into the world is a huge act of vulnerability. Maybe some people do it and feel like patting themselves on the back for it, but I mostly feel like crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head for the foreseeable future. To show up and continue to show up takes almost every ounce of my energy. I want to believe that my showing up matters not just to you and you and you, but also to me and to God because it is how I grow and mature and change and become more of who I am actually created to be." I feel this so deeply. It will be months before I start releasing my book, and it felt so much safer when it was still years. Everyday, I hear the detractors in my head. Everyday, I'm afraid people will see only the ugly and not the beauty. Everyday, I'm afraid I'll ruin my life by sharing my book. But reading your words helps me realize it might be just a natural fear more than a valid concern. :) I have to tell myself over and over that I get to have words, I get to have ideas; it's so easy to feel like they don't matter.
I've pre-ordered! I hope your launch goes well!
I think it IS a natural fear for many of us, and perhaps a universal fear, even with those who seem to not have it =)
Thank you for preordering. Tell me more about your book?!
A few years ago at a writer's conference, I came up with a compelling synopsis of my novel on the spot that actually grabbed people's interest. The tragedy is that I didn't write it down! So now I'm always just trying to grab the essence out of thin air haha. But here goes:
Isla is caught between her working class background and her position at City Hall. She wants to champion the poor, yet she struggles with unacknowledged prejudice towards both them and the more well-off. Ultimately, she has to take a hard look at who she really is, admit her hypocrisy and frailty, and learn to truly love and value people.
Dave is a yoga instructor who lacks business sense and common sense, but he knows how to count the cost in love and choose love anyway.
On another level, it is about the audacity of mercy, the radical and almost unpalatable quality of mercy taken out to it's full extent. In reaction to what I see as a willingness to condemn people for matters both large and small, I was playing with the idea of, "Do we/I want to live in a world where it's possible to go beyond mercy, where we hasten to declare things unforgivable." That's an aspect of the plot I haven't gone into here. : ) But it ties in importantly to Isla's character arc because she lacks compassion for even small things at the beginning before eventually understanding how deeply in need of mercy she is herself.
So it's not exactly a dramatic page-turner, and anytime you declare your own subject matter "almost unpalatable", you know there will be other people who don't like it! I think I need a more plot based synopsis, but at least this is something. Thanks for asking, I hope you don't regret it!
I just put in a purchase request to my library for all 3 of your books. Excited to read them!
Oh my, Amy! Thank you =)
Lore, I'm incredibly grateful for your share about this feeling. I've been talking with one of my dearests about ME and this very thing -- and we both agreed (again) that I need therapy. :-) Your sharing makes way for those of us who think we're alone in it and serves as a reminder that life is hard, but better when we get to do it with other people.
I'm in the middle of drafting an outline for a difficult conversation I need to have with someone that asks, "what do you see as my value in this space" because I don't feel it. The inconsequentialness of my presence feels overwhelming, and somewhere in my head I know it isn't true, maybe.
I don't know, it's all weird. Thanks for letting me not feel weird alone!
I'm excited for your book and can't wait to read it!
You're not alone! Im glad you're here =)
I second what Chris Yokel said above. I leave the little notification on until I have time to sit down and properly read it. Just seeing that notification gives me a wee thrill of anticipation every time.
OH my goodness. Nicole, thank you. Truly.
I will be waiting at the mailbox with my phone so I can send you a book selfie. 📖📸
Can't wait to see it!
For what it's worth, I get excited every time a Sayable Substack post shows up
Same!!
Thanks, Chris =) You're really kind to say that =)
Congrats on your book ! Fun that you know Emily enough for her to endorse it. Used to live in NC and met her a few times.
Thank you Julie! Emily is great =)
This is a familiar feeling. I think for me, much of it comes from being let go of in places where I *should* have been missed. And so it becomes hard to fathom that if (those people who should have cared) can just let me go, then why would anyone else even notice that I’m gone? It’s this perpetual fear of erasure, and I’m always surprised when someone notices I’m gone. But this is a good thing to be thinking about as we tie up these endings before moving. It is not valuing the good relationships in my life to assume that the loss of my presence will not matter; because maybe what I’m really saying with that is, “I don’t trust anyone to care”.
Hmmmm. That's good self-awareness there, Annelise. A fear of erasure. I don't think it's quite the same with me, a fear of being erased. It's more a fear of standing out, of being or becoming too important to someone. It's probably, at its root, a fear of disappointing people with how very ordinary I am =)
Thank you for shedding your vulnerabilities here. It is a moulting process. God is your ultimate safety net. It’s hard to believe that before you step off into the unknown. I used to be fearless in front of people. But after waking up to the world after inhabiting such a small space as a caregiver, I’ve changed. I prefer the background—the underground if I could. I have to pray about how to speak to people, be with others without trying to dive into their soul in the first five minutes—“Are you a safe person for me to speak to…are you going to reject me, hurt me?” Maybe I always thought those things and overcompensated with fearlessness and surety. Now it’s by faith alone that I am re-navigating life, people, myself. You are not alone, Lore. He is here.
Thank you, Jennifer. Thank you.
I cannot wait to hold your book in my hand and I will miss you here. I am always excited to open your emails (probably more than anyone else’s). This post also names something very real that I was wrestling with just last night. I also don’t think my presence matters- surely someone else would be just as good. That has never been named for me before so I will have to do some work here. Thank you for being so vulnerable.
Oh, Lisa, that is so kind. I receive it. Let's both do some work around our presence =)