The Impossible Work of Being Here
Thoughts on presence, belief, and two-way relationships
A few days before I was to leave for Greece two weeks ago, we had a family medical emergency that necessitated me not leading the trip as planned. We scrambled, we made it work, we were all sad for various reasons and every single day, but the trip happened nonetheless.
The travelers just returned home the other day, jet lagged and travel-worn. In a conversation with my dearest friend (one of the travelers), she, knowing my proclivity to believe that my presence doesn’t matter and people will be fine without me, said, “Here are some times your presence was missed by me and others…” She recounted specific moments when she knew what I might have said or done, scenarios when I would have given space or left space or taken space, and times when conversations took a turn where the others mentioned my absence being felt.
A warmth came over me as she shared. I never imagined that in my absence they would even think of me, let alone think of what I might say or do or ask or leave space for. I was humbled and then ashamed, wishing I could get over the part of my personality that believes my presence is as good as the next person’s. It certainly isn’t true of anyone in my life—of course I’d rather them to anyone else—but it never occurs to me that anyone may feel the same about me.
The next day, in a call with one of the other travelers, she asked me this question: “Do you think your belief in the inconsequentialness of your presence might have played a part in the decision to stay back?”
I was caught off guard because, holy crap, stop reading my mail! But also because I didn’t think it had in the moment. In the moment, we’re reckoning with this family emergency, realizing that with some canceled trips with family recently that were supposed to happen and didn’t, it made the space between us in this moment feel more catastrophic than it ordinarily might. But in the moment, there were so many unanswered questions and so much uncertainty that we honestly didn’t know what to do and it seemed best, in that moment, to hand the trip’s leadership off to someone who could be there and would lead it well (And did! Thank you
!). So, no, cognitively I didn’t make the decision thinking, “Her presence is just as good as mine and I won’t be missed,” but I do think the pervasive feeling of the inconsequentialness of my presence probably did play a part in my ultimate decision, and I shared that in my call. I thanked her for asking the question because I think she probably saw me better than I saw myself and helped me to gently see myself too.I woke up this morning still thinking about this. I’m 43 years old, this isn’t a childish insecurity that is hanging on. It is a deep down belief about myself that I’ve actually framed as a virtue, a sort of self-forgetfulness that masks as a twisted sort of humility. One of our dearest friends struggles similarly, a male pastor of a large successful healthy church, on paper neither of us have any reason to struggle with these feelings, and yet we do. We talk often about ways to grow and change and mature, yet also face the reality that this may be the thorn in our sides for life.
Why am I sharing all of this today? Well, it’s not so you will pat me on my head and say, “We love you and see you and you matter so much to us and blah blah blah.” But it is to say that today is May 1st, and for the next five weeks I’m going to be sharing ad nauseam about The Understory, and I also probably won’t be writing as regularly as I like to and plan to here on Sayable. I’ve got a launch community to run, podcast interviews to do, articles for submission to edit, and more, and my brain just does not multitask as well as I’d like.
Normally I might say to myself, “It doesn’t matter if I don’t show up here, I won’t be missed” (even as I write those words I’m telling myself they’re true…), but I want to acknowledge that we have a little agreement between us. We both show up here. That’s how this reader/writer relationship works. And if I’m not showing up, well, that’s not a healthy relationship (ask me how I know ;) ).
So I just want to say that in advance that I won’t be showing up as much as I’d like over the next 4-5 weeks here and if there comes a time when you miss my presence (first, feel free to let me know!), here are a few things you can do that will lighten my load and enable me to get back here more quickly:
First, preorder a copy of The Understory from Amazon or Bookshop or Barnes & Noble, or get yourself TWO copies for the price of one at Baker Book House using the code SAYABLE50 (2 min).
Second, call your local bookstores (5 min) and your local library (5 min) and ask them to stock The Understory.
Third, if you’ve already gotten your hands on a review copy, write up a quick review and share it on Amazon, Bookshop, Barnes & Noble, Goodreads, or wherever you can (10 min).
Fourth, invite some friends for a book club or a book discussion evening. If you’re looking for some questions to discuss, I’ll be sharing them soon.
Fifth, share a photo of the book the day you receive it, tag me in it (lorewilbert) and hashtag #theunderstory and I’ll try to share as many of your images as I see!
Sixth, and finally, and most importantly, nothing sells books better than word of mouth. If you’re looking forward to the book, tell a friend today, ask them to preorder it. If you’ve already read it and liked it, text a friend today and ask them to preorder it. If you just want to help get the word out, tell a friend today and ask them to preorder it.
You don’t have to do a single one of those things if you don’t want to, because, actually, your presence here is what does matter most to me. But if you’d like to do any of the above, I will be holding gratefulness in my heart for it.
Releasing a book into the world is a huge act of vulnerability. Maybe some people do it and feel like patting themselves on the back for it, but I mostly feel like crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head for the foreseeable future. To show up and continue to show up takes almost every ounce of my energy. I want to believe that my showing up matters not just to you and you and you, but also to me and to God because it is how I grow and mature and change and become more of who I am actually created to be.
But I say a lot more about that in The Understory =)
Have you preordered my latest book? The Understory: An Invitation to Rootedness and Resilience from the Forest Floor?
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This is a familiar feeling. I think for me, much of it comes from being let go of in places where I *should* have been missed. And so it becomes hard to fathom that if (those people who should have cared) can just let me go, then why would anyone else even notice that I’m gone? It’s this perpetual fear of erasure, and I’m always surprised when someone notices I’m gone. But this is a good thing to be thinking about as we tie up these endings before moving. It is not valuing the good relationships in my life to assume that the loss of my presence will not matter; because maybe what I’m really saying with that is, “I don’t trust anyone to care”.