16 Unrelated Things I'm Thinking About
Starting EMDR again, chaotic people, nail polish, red flags, summer bouquets, a book about hope
I keep trying to find my bearings this summer and I can’t. May was so, so hard and I thought going into June would bring reprieve and then it brought a nightmare, and our friends are going through hard things and I had to get a colonoscopy and Nate is having a bad AFib flair up and the news of the world has been terrible every which way we turn. I can’t find my bearings. I can’t find my rhythm. I keep looking for myself and seeing a stranger.
There are also good things mingled in with it all: discovering a new kayaking spot through a fortuitous parking lot meeting, summer CSA flower bouquets, lingering with a really good book, working at a magical bookstore, dreaming about our future, going to see the new Mary Oliver documentary, watching the World Cup with the world, rewatching Project Hail Mary for the umpteenth time, thinking about what I want this second half of my career to look like and also, maybe especially, feel like.
I’ve been painting my nails this color for the past year and maybe it’s not my color and maybe I don’t care. It makes me happy every day.
Yesterday we were preparing for a book event at Nooks and someone walked in the shop door. I recognized her immediately as someone I’ve known as a reader of Sayable for over a decade but who lived half a day’s drive away. The look on my face was one of surprise, confusion, and delight, I’m sure. She had flown in for the book event (to celebrate Maile’s release!) and I thought later to myself what a gift it is to close the gap between who we are on a screen and who we are in person. I hugged her at least six times and she wasn’t even there for me. This happens frequently when I’m working at Nooks and it always surprises me and always lingers with me long after they’ve gone on their way.
Every time I talk about politics on this page someone gets their knickers in a twist and can’t handle the fact that 60% of Americans don’t find themselves comfortably on the far left or far right, but somewhere in the middle, meaning there is a lot of diversity in that space and it’s okay to disagree without getting our knickers in a twist. Anyway, that’s something I’m thinking about, but mostly I’m thinking about how I cannot wait until we’re through this administration. Politics aside, one of the aims this administration has publicly stated it has is to keep itself in the news constantly and it’s working. I cannot wait until who is president of these disunited states is not at the top of our news cycles every day.
I’ve been finding it difficult to find time to write in the way I write best—with big swaths of uninterrupted time. I know that’s my own fault, for perhaps biting off more than I could chew or biting off things I shouldn’t be chewing period, but I’m trying to navigate it and finding it difficult, that’s all.
I’m starting up EMDR with our therapist soon.