I'm 47, married, and childless. The lack of a legacy of children, my lineage essentially stopping with me grieves me more deeply than I can express. To be blunt, it makes me feel like my life lacks ultimate purpose (rightly or wrongly). Will anyone remember me after I'm gone? I can hardly bear it sometimes. Aging and the prospect of ending up alone in a home with no one to visit me is scary and depressing. Thank you for your honesty, which has provided a place for us to be honest, too.
So many of us are feeling lonely. I thought I just felt this way from the current circumstances of my life (grad school, full time work, kids, strained marriage), but reading your original post and then all the comments makes me realize it’s not just me. On one level it feels slightly less lonely to know so many are feeling this way, but that doesn’t meet the need of deep relationships. I try to make friends with the aloneness, and often it’s enough, but I also feel like the more I do the harder it is to find the deep connections.
I think my lack of church community is very much related to this. As I read your priorities in a church, I thought about the church where I’m a member. I can check the boxes and that’s why I stay. But, with an aging congregation (I’m 50 and far younger than nearly all the members who attend) I struggle to feel connected.
I mean, not to get TOO personal, but they're wicking so they don't hold on to moisture or smell, also they don't get stretched out or fade. They're also super breathable. Also I feel done with cheap synthetic undies that have to get thrown out every year and also expensive 100% cotton ones that ALSo have to get thrown out every year. These woolies last forever, just like your favorite merino wool sweater =)
"The truth is that I’m lonely, but I’m not lonely for superficial or wishy-washy relationships. I want the deep down stuff or nothing at all. And maybe that’s a space I need to grow in, be willing to weather the superficial stuff to get to the deep down stuff, but I just feel weary of it in a way I haven’t before." Thanks for sharing your heart in such a beautiful, vulnerable way. I think a lot of people are done with superficial friendships, but not all of them can say it so well.
I think it’s a combination of things. Maybe a lack of courage is part of it, but I think the real culprits are deeper than that. Our generation (and the ones after us) was born into an environment that is overwhelmed—by busyness, by information, by sensory input, etc. Even those who grew up in functional family environments struggle with this issue, and I suspect it is because we are overwhelmed down to the core of ourselves and do not know how to re-regulate to a slower, quieter, deeper way of being that we have literally never known for more than a fleeting moment. It’s almost like our culture nervous system is in a state of permanent fight-or-flight, and we were born into it, so we don’t know any different. I live with PTSD, and it is HARD and PAINSTAKINGLY SLOW to train my brain and body out of that way of being, and anytime I take a step or two forward, a thousand other things disregulate and devolve, putting me right back at the bottom of a thousand more sheer rock faces to climb. And I am a willing participant in my process. But not everyone is willing, or even aware, on a cultural level, which just makes it exponentially harder to make any headway for ourselves.
It could also be a lack of attention. I read a post from Anne Kennedy about that recently and it seems to fit. We flit from thing to thing because we can and have lost the desire to linger.
Thank you for your honesty about loneliness. We are lonely in this season too, having left our church/relationships of 20 years. Its just hard. Wish we lived closer, you feel like a friend through your writing.
Also very much relate to the sadness of the world situation/future. Most of my adult life has been spent in a spiritual atmosphere of excitement around revival and our destiny as believers for something “amazing “ Having walked away from that, and just taking a look around at the world. It’s pretty depressing.
I miss having a social life from work. Since i have been stuck working remotely, i miss having people to talk to during the day. I also agree the world is a pretty depressing place for sure and life just keeps getting more challenging. All we can do is hold on the our Lord Jesus. I am a very anxious person, that is prone to despair, so i get you Lore in a lot of ways. Life in this world can be very hard at times and despairing
Thank you once again for fielding all these unrelated questions with such great pensiveness even though it obviously can hurt physically to do so. Pray you feel better.
I notice your many pastoral artists in your posts. I love Liddy Hubbell of Maine. ;)
Hi, Lore. Thank you for this post. What you said about being lonely was cathartic for me to read. I battle chronic feelings of loneliness, especially in friendships outside of my family, and most especially friendships with men, which have been borderline non-existent in my life for several years, despite my frequent attempts to initiate and be vulnerable with guys. (My father-in-law is the one exception to this. He regularly invites me out to lunch, where we talk about life and faith and work and random things.) So, thank you for going there, for being willing to say you're lonely. I think a lot of us feel the same, which, I suppose, helps us not feel quite as lonely.
As for church attendance, my dad was an evangelist, and then a pastor, so I was brought up to have some pretty strong feelings about the importance of "not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together." The folks in my tradition definitely thought it was a bad idea, and I think a lot of them would have said it was wrong to skip church, but I don't think I ever heard anyone say it was an actual sin. I was quite surprised, then, when I began delving into the beliefs and practices of the Roman Catholic Church, to find out that, in their view, not only is skipping mass a sin, but a mortal sin, one which requires specific types of confession and penance. This applies to Sundays, but also to other days of obligation, like special feasts on the calendar. Now I understand why, when we went to an all inclusive resort in Mexico last year, there was a chapel that provided the sacraments to resort guests on Sunday afternoons!
Years ago i read a piece on loneliness in men especially and it's always stuck with me. Themes of how you have been conditioned from a young age to deflect vulnerability and it made me so, so sad. I think on the flip side, many women are conditioned (or just naturally feel) their vulnerability, which just means going through life feeling and being hurt often. Both leave us in the lurch and we need to learn to grow more resilient AND more vulnerable at the same time.
More resilient and more vulnerable, yes. I suppose that's a reason why Jesus was so successful in his friendships, though they weren't perfect by any means.
And of course the people around us in the world in which we live are going to be sheepish about being vulnerable with us. Just look at what so many of them have gone through, the trauma and abuse, the neglect and rejection. I've had plenty of days (years) where I was that exact same way, and I sometimes I still I am that way.
And then there is the deep down need for a bosom friend (a la Anne Shirley). That is a different conversation entirely. How I want one, though.
“The truth is that I’m lonely, but I’m not lonely for superficial or wishy-washy relationships. I want the deep down stuff or nothing at all. And maybe that’s a space I need to grow in, be willing to weather the superficial stuff to get to the deep down stuff, but I just feel weary of it in a way I haven’t before.”
Same. Currently making friends with the loneliness... I think it’s a necessary step for me. Your writing though offers a bit of companionship that I’m grateful for!
Ah, yes. I feel such a happy friendship with aloneness, I really don't mind it and I'm never bored. But I recognize the need for an other these days more than I have before, which is just a good reminder to me that we're not good alone =)
I like your substitution of ‘aloneness’ for my ‘loneliness’. I’ll be thinking on that switch. And I affirm your statement that we are not good alone. But what volume of ‘other’ is needed for my good? It is good to have my husband and my children. But is it good enough? Is my desire to have friends telling me I need more people beyond what is right in front of me or is it evidence of discontent with the very good life I am living? I sense that there is no magic number for everyone. And likely this is beyond the scope of what you’re speaking to here so I am comfortable for this comment to just sit and percolate in my mind. Oh and Happy Birthday!
I so appreciate your deep thoughtfulness in how you answer these questions. We are a people who like a quick and easy albeit polarized response. Often, I think, the truth is found in the nuance. You provide so much here for deep reflection, and I am grateful. Continuing in prayers for your eyes.
Thanks for your honesty. You're not alone. This is an incredibly sad time as so many of us are feeling the weight of what's being lost - and the disillusionment of realizing that we never really had some of what we thought we did. I watched some of Rosalyn Carter's funeral and the sadness of it hit me a lot harder than I expected. To see Jimmy Carter so frail and to realize that we'll likely never see people as unpretentiously good as the Carters in the Whitehouse ever again. I'm old enough to remember their presidency and it felt like a By the Rivers of Babylon moment for me.
Ooooof, it hurt to read those words. I feel such a deep grief about the lack of integrity in leaders across the board and also a deep awareness that we only get better leaders by being better ourselves and wanting better things for our world. Less selfishness!
I have realised recently that I will probably die alone in an old people's home. My husband will die before me (statistically speaking) and I don't think it's OK to impose on my niblings. I find this hard, but I'm working on being OK with it so make that move without too much pain on those around me.
This is my fear too! And I am not married, not do I make much more income than what I need to get by, so I will have to work until I literally fall over (I am a nanny), and then I suspect I’ll be in a state-run home because I won’t be able to afford anything else. It is terrifying to think about.
I have had the same thought, Jemima. If I think about it too much I get really sad. I've spent some time in nursing homes and they can be really sad, really lonely places.
These are helpful thoughts and answers. I appreciate your honesty about sadness you cannot shake, and weariness in your soul, and longings. Tis a good season for longing. Thank you for your words, which mean much to me.
Thank you, Karly. It occurs to me that that's the part of this Q&A that resonated with people the most, which tells me I should speak of it more. I sometimes feel afraid of sounding like I'm whining and I don't want to do that =)
"I turn 43 tomorrow and I think a childless future (thinking more about grandchildren and older children here) makes me more sad than I felt about a babyless future. " I feel this so much. We're still young enough that this could possibly change, but this is the hardest part of infertility for me. Childless now is challenging, but we also love the freedom for adventures, but thinking of growing older alone is so hard.
Lore, and Katrina, this is the hardest part for me. I turned 44 last month, and I have made peace with both my unintended prolonged singleness and the childlessness that comes with that. I truly enjoy the freedom that being a single adult in middle age offers me. But that is tied to the present moment. Thinking ahead to growing old alone...no adult companion to walk it with me and no children to brighten my days and help care for me when I can no longer care for myself...that actually terrifies me.
I feel that same ache down to my core. I try not to dwell too long on it because it overwhelms me more often than not.
Not reading the other comments, so this may have been said; but Branwyn bras are great too!
I'm 47, married, and childless. The lack of a legacy of children, my lineage essentially stopping with me grieves me more deeply than I can express. To be blunt, it makes me feel like my life lacks ultimate purpose (rightly or wrongly). Will anyone remember me after I'm gone? I can hardly bear it sometimes. Aging and the prospect of ending up alone in a home with no one to visit me is scary and depressing. Thank you for your honesty, which has provided a place for us to be honest, too.
Two things really struck me ...
So many of us are feeling lonely. I thought I just felt this way from the current circumstances of my life (grad school, full time work, kids, strained marriage), but reading your original post and then all the comments makes me realize it’s not just me. On one level it feels slightly less lonely to know so many are feeling this way, but that doesn’t meet the need of deep relationships. I try to make friends with the aloneness, and often it’s enough, but I also feel like the more I do the harder it is to find the deep connections.
I think my lack of church community is very much related to this. As I read your priorities in a church, I thought about the church where I’m a member. I can check the boxes and that’s why I stay. But, with an aging congregation (I’m 50 and far younger than nearly all the members who attend) I struggle to feel connected.
There are a lot of important things happening here, but I need more information on why merino wool undies are great.
I mean, not to get TOO personal, but they're wicking so they don't hold on to moisture or smell, also they don't get stretched out or fade. They're also super breathable. Also I feel done with cheap synthetic undies that have to get thrown out every year and also expensive 100% cotton ones that ALSo have to get thrown out every year. These woolies last forever, just like your favorite merino wool sweater =)
Do you have a preferred brand?
Ok that does sound amazing. I will have to see if I can find some here.
"The truth is that I’m lonely, but I’m not lonely for superficial or wishy-washy relationships. I want the deep down stuff or nothing at all. And maybe that’s a space I need to grow in, be willing to weather the superficial stuff to get to the deep down stuff, but I just feel weary of it in a way I haven’t before." Thanks for sharing your heart in such a beautiful, vulnerable way. I think a lot of people are done with superficial friendships, but not all of them can say it so well.
I wonder how we collective move through this? It seems to me maybe we lack courage?
I think it’s a combination of things. Maybe a lack of courage is part of it, but I think the real culprits are deeper than that. Our generation (and the ones after us) was born into an environment that is overwhelmed—by busyness, by information, by sensory input, etc. Even those who grew up in functional family environments struggle with this issue, and I suspect it is because we are overwhelmed down to the core of ourselves and do not know how to re-regulate to a slower, quieter, deeper way of being that we have literally never known for more than a fleeting moment. It’s almost like our culture nervous system is in a state of permanent fight-or-flight, and we were born into it, so we don’t know any different. I live with PTSD, and it is HARD and PAINSTAKINGLY SLOW to train my brain and body out of that way of being, and anytime I take a step or two forward, a thousand other things disregulate and devolve, putting me right back at the bottom of a thousand more sheer rock faces to climb. And I am a willing participant in my process. But not everyone is willing, or even aware, on a cultural level, which just makes it exponentially harder to make any headway for ourselves.
Maybe courage. Maybe boredom?
It could also be a lack of attention. I read a post from Anne Kennedy about that recently and it seems to fit. We flit from thing to thing because we can and have lost the desire to linger.
Thank you for your honesty about loneliness. We are lonely in this season too, having left our church/relationships of 20 years. Its just hard. Wish we lived closer, you feel like a friend through your writing.
Also very much relate to the sadness of the world situation/future. Most of my adult life has been spent in a spiritual atmosphere of excitement around revival and our destiny as believers for something “amazing “ Having walked away from that, and just taking a look around at the world. It’s pretty depressing.
I mean, I do believe that our ultimate destiny IS something amazing but I'm just not convinced we're going to find it on this side of eternity =)
I miss having a social life from work. Since i have been stuck working remotely, i miss having people to talk to during the day. I also agree the world is a pretty depressing place for sure and life just keeps getting more challenging. All we can do is hold on the our Lord Jesus. I am a very anxious person, that is prone to despair, so i get you Lore in a lot of ways. Life in this world can be very hard at times and despairing
Thank you once again for fielding all these unrelated questions with such great pensiveness even though it obviously can hurt physically to do so. Pray you feel better.
I notice your many pastoral artists in your posts. I love Liddy Hubbell of Maine. ;)
Thank you, friend. I do love a pastoral artist =)
Hi, Lore. Thank you for this post. What you said about being lonely was cathartic for me to read. I battle chronic feelings of loneliness, especially in friendships outside of my family, and most especially friendships with men, which have been borderline non-existent in my life for several years, despite my frequent attempts to initiate and be vulnerable with guys. (My father-in-law is the one exception to this. He regularly invites me out to lunch, where we talk about life and faith and work and random things.) So, thank you for going there, for being willing to say you're lonely. I think a lot of us feel the same, which, I suppose, helps us not feel quite as lonely.
As for church attendance, my dad was an evangelist, and then a pastor, so I was brought up to have some pretty strong feelings about the importance of "not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together." The folks in my tradition definitely thought it was a bad idea, and I think a lot of them would have said it was wrong to skip church, but I don't think I ever heard anyone say it was an actual sin. I was quite surprised, then, when I began delving into the beliefs and practices of the Roman Catholic Church, to find out that, in their view, not only is skipping mass a sin, but a mortal sin, one which requires specific types of confession and penance. This applies to Sundays, but also to other days of obligation, like special feasts on the calendar. Now I understand why, when we went to an all inclusive resort in Mexico last year, there was a chapel that provided the sacraments to resort guests on Sunday afternoons!
Years ago i read a piece on loneliness in men especially and it's always stuck with me. Themes of how you have been conditioned from a young age to deflect vulnerability and it made me so, so sad. I think on the flip side, many women are conditioned (or just naturally feel) their vulnerability, which just means going through life feeling and being hurt often. Both leave us in the lurch and we need to learn to grow more resilient AND more vulnerable at the same time.
More resilient and more vulnerable, yes. I suppose that's a reason why Jesus was so successful in his friendships, though they weren't perfect by any means.
And of course the people around us in the world in which we live are going to be sheepish about being vulnerable with us. Just look at what so many of them have gone through, the trauma and abuse, the neglect and rejection. I've had plenty of days (years) where I was that exact same way, and I sometimes I still I am that way.
And then there is the deep down need for a bosom friend (a la Anne Shirley). That is a different conversation entirely. How I want one, though.
“The truth is that I’m lonely, but I’m not lonely for superficial or wishy-washy relationships. I want the deep down stuff or nothing at all. And maybe that’s a space I need to grow in, be willing to weather the superficial stuff to get to the deep down stuff, but I just feel weary of it in a way I haven’t before.”
Same. Currently making friends with the loneliness... I think it’s a necessary step for me. Your writing though offers a bit of companionship that I’m grateful for!
Ah, yes. I feel such a happy friendship with aloneness, I really don't mind it and I'm never bored. But I recognize the need for an other these days more than I have before, which is just a good reminder to me that we're not good alone =)
I like your substitution of ‘aloneness’ for my ‘loneliness’. I’ll be thinking on that switch. And I affirm your statement that we are not good alone. But what volume of ‘other’ is needed for my good? It is good to have my husband and my children. But is it good enough? Is my desire to have friends telling me I need more people beyond what is right in front of me or is it evidence of discontent with the very good life I am living? I sense that there is no magic number for everyone. And likely this is beyond the scope of what you’re speaking to here so I am comfortable for this comment to just sit and percolate in my mind. Oh and Happy Birthday!
I so appreciate your deep thoughtfulness in how you answer these questions. We are a people who like a quick and easy albeit polarized response. Often, I think, the truth is found in the nuance. You provide so much here for deep reflection, and I am grateful. Continuing in prayers for your eyes.
Oh thank you, that means a lot to me.
Thanks for your honesty. You're not alone. This is an incredibly sad time as so many of us are feeling the weight of what's being lost - and the disillusionment of realizing that we never really had some of what we thought we did. I watched some of Rosalyn Carter's funeral and the sadness of it hit me a lot harder than I expected. To see Jimmy Carter so frail and to realize that we'll likely never see people as unpretentiously good as the Carters in the Whitehouse ever again. I'm old enough to remember their presidency and it felt like a By the Rivers of Babylon moment for me.
Ooooof, it hurt to read those words. I feel such a deep grief about the lack of integrity in leaders across the board and also a deep awareness that we only get better leaders by being better ourselves and wanting better things for our world. Less selfishness!
I have realised recently that I will probably die alone in an old people's home. My husband will die before me (statistically speaking) and I don't think it's OK to impose on my niblings. I find this hard, but I'm working on being OK with it so make that move without too much pain on those around me.
This is my fear too! And I am not married, not do I make much more income than what I need to get by, so I will have to work until I literally fall over (I am a nanny), and then I suspect I’ll be in a state-run home because I won’t be able to afford anything else. It is terrifying to think about.
I have had the same thought, Jemima. If I think about it too much I get really sad. I've spent some time in nursing homes and they can be really sad, really lonely places.
Holding you as you sit in a lot of unshakable sadness, Lore. Thank you for sharing!
And now I’m intrigued about merino wool undies!
Do some research but seriously, I love 'em!
These are helpful thoughts and answers. I appreciate your honesty about sadness you cannot shake, and weariness in your soul, and longings. Tis a good season for longing. Thank you for your words, which mean much to me.
Thank you, Karly. It occurs to me that that's the part of this Q&A that resonated with people the most, which tells me I should speak of it more. I sometimes feel afraid of sounding like I'm whining and I don't want to do that =)
"I turn 43 tomorrow and I think a childless future (thinking more about grandchildren and older children here) makes me more sad than I felt about a babyless future. " I feel this so much. We're still young enough that this could possibly change, but this is the hardest part of infertility for me. Childless now is challenging, but we also love the freedom for adventures, but thinking of growing older alone is so hard.
Yes. It's the thinking of growing older that aches me inside.
Lore, and Katrina, this is the hardest part for me. I turned 44 last month, and I have made peace with both my unintended prolonged singleness and the childlessness that comes with that. I truly enjoy the freedom that being a single adult in middle age offers me. But that is tied to the present moment. Thinking ahead to growing old alone...no adult companion to walk it with me and no children to brighten my days and help care for me when I can no longer care for myself...that actually terrifies me.
I feel that same ache down to my core. I try not to dwell too long on it because it overwhelms me more often than not.