Why Women Are Leaving the Church

And why they should, if you ask me

It’s been over five years since we’ve gone to a church with a more conservative understanding of gender roles in the church (termed complementarianism by a bunch of men in the 1980s), and almost nine years since my own views on gender roles both within and without the church began shifting. I say that, but then again, I don’t know that there’s been a time when my views on anything haven’t been in some sort of shift, so let’s just rephrase that to say that it’s been almost nine years since I began shifting away from complementarianism and toward a different reading of, well, everything.¹

This morning I read a piece on a website I never frequent anymore.² Just from the title, it made me recall an article that I’d read on the NY Times earlier this summer titled, Young Women Are Fleeing Organized Religion. This Was Predictable. I’m a little over the insufferable eye-rolling that progressives do and implied in the “This was predictable,” but whatever. The piece posited that younger millennials and Gen Z are fleeing the church mainly because of conservative views on gender roles and “sexism,” and the various ways that shows up in the evangelical church (i.e. how sexual abuse is mishandled, gender roles in marriage and family, lack of female leaders, etc.). In response to the NYT piece, The Gospel Coalition piece begins by saying perhaps the problem isn’t sexism, but a decline in women’s happiness. Hmm. That’s interesting and unexpected. I read on.

How does one therefore regain their happiness? The writer says “complementarian theology” of course.

I had to read it twice, three times, almost four, just to be sure of what I was reading. “[This person] represents but one story of a woman who turned to the church when promises of self-actualization failed her. Lord willing, many more such women will walk through church doors in years to come, and pastors have a tremendous opportunity and responsibility to beckon them to King Jesus. Pastors who labor to know, help, and listen to women in their churches can image Christ’s servant leadership to these women, as our pastors have for [her].”

Declining happiness for women will be fixed by a pastor? A male pastor?

I read on, hoping there would even just be some sort of latent cherry on top that, surprise, yes, of course, it’s Jesus, not pastors who we want women to orient their lives around. But no.

I do agree with the writer’s belief that perhaps it isn’t just rampant sexism that is driving young women from the church but perhaps an ultimate dissatisfaction, perhaps termed unhappiness. There is a lot being offered to us women both in the church and the world that just isn’t panning out quite as promised. A thread came across my feed today, “If the wellness industry was working, why do we all feel like 💩?” Exactly. But I would also like to say, “If the complementarian-pastors to happy-women pipeline was working, why do we all feel like 💩?” My point is, it’s not working. It’s not working for women in complementarian churches, and wouldn’t work for women in egalitarian churches, nor for women outside the church. Why? Because your pastor—complementarian, egalitarian, male or female—is not Jesus.

What’s going to bring women back to the church?

The same thing that has drawn women to the person of God since Mother Mary’s song in Luke chapter 1, since the woman at the well found herself suddenly known, since Mary spilled a bottle of perfume on the crusty feet of an itinerant rabbi, since a woman nearly stoned looked up at the backs of judgmental idiots walking away, since a few women found themselves at the stone rolled away. There’s only one thing that has staying power if we want someone to stay in our churches and that’s Jesus. People who look like him, act like him, submit their lives to him, and sit with him help, of course, but ultimately if the people are the draw, when the people disappoint (as they have in droves), then the women (and men) will leave. And I don’t blame them.

When we have churches that are oriented around a doctrine, a person, a personality type, a building, a type of bible translation, a kind of service opportunity, a style of worship, even a liturgical calendar, we are pointing people to the wrong orientation. We are giving them a golden calf and calling it God-made.

Want women to stay in your church? Make Jesus the fragrance and the center of your life, and then waft the incarnation and the person of Jesus toward everyone who enters. Make it impossible for anyone to leave without feeling loved, known, helped, and listened to by Jesus.

Do you want to read more about this orientation around Jesus and not the church/people? I wrote about it here:

Find me on Instagram |  Facebook | My Archives

*Some links are affiliate links and may throw a few pennies my way if you purchase through them. Thanks!

1. I blame this trajectory on N.T. Wright and his book Surprised by Hope which I read sometime around then and have reread multiple times since.

2. They used to solicit articles from me fairly regularly, but I have not been a reader or writer of it in almost a decade. I have reasons. If you’re not familiar, no biggie. If you are, then you know.