It’s been over five years since we’ve gone to a church with a more conservative understanding of gender roles in the church (termed complementarianism by a bunch of men in the 1980s), and almost nine years since my own views on gender roles both within and without the church began shifting. I say that, but then again, I don’t know that there’s been a time when my views on anything haven’t been in some sort of shift, so let’s just rephrase that to say that it’s been almost nine years since I began shifting away from complementarianism and toward a different reading of, well, everything.1
This morning I read a piece on a website I never frequent anymore.2 Just from the title, it made me recall an article that I’d read on the NY Times earlier this summer titled, Young Women Are Fleeing Organized Religion. This Was Predictable. I’m a little over the insufferable eye-rolling that progressives do and implied in the “This was predictable,” but whatever. The piece posited that younger millennials and Gen Z are fleeing the church mainly because of conservative views on gender roles and “sexism,” and the various ways that shows up in the evangelical church (i.e. how sexual abuse is mishandled, gender roles in marriage and family, lack of female leaders, etc.). In response to the NYT piece, The Gospel Coalition piece begins by saying perhaps the problem isn’t sexism, but a decline in women’s happiness. Hmm. That’s interesting and unexpected. I read on.
How does one therefore regain their happiness? The writer says “complementarian theology” of course.
I had to read it twice, three times, almost four, just to be sure of what I was reading. “[This person] represents but one story of a woman who turned to the church when promises of self-actualization failed her. Lord willing, many more such women will walk through church doors in years to come, and pastors have a tremendous opportunity and responsibility to beckon them to King Jesus. Pastors who labor to know, help, and listen to women in their churches can image Christ’s servant leadership to these women, as our pastors have for [her].”
Declining happiness for women will be fixed by a pastor? A male pastor?
I read on, hoping there would even just be some sort of latent cherry on top that, surprise, yes, of course, it’s Jesus, not pastors who we want women to orient their lives around. But no.
I do agree with the writer’s belief that perhaps it isn’t just rampant sexism that is driving young women from the church but perhaps an ultimate dissatisfaction, perhaps termed unhappiness. There is a lot being offered to us women both in the church and the world that just isn’t panning out quite as promised. A thread came across my feed today, “If the wellness industry was working, why do we all feel like 💩?” Exactly. But I would also like to say, “If the complementarian-pastors to happy-women pipeline was working, why do we all feel like 💩?” My point is, it’s not working. It’s not working for women in complementarian churches, and wouldn’t work for women in egalitarian churches, nor for women outside the church. Why? Because your pastor—complementarian, egalitarian, male or female—is not Jesus.
What’s going to bring women back to the church?
The same thing that has drawn women to the person of God since Mother Mary’s song in Luke chapter 1, since the woman at the well found herself suddenly known, since Mary spilled a bottle of perfume on the crusty feet of an itinerant rabbi, since a woman nearly stoned looked up at the backs of judgmental idiots walking away, since a few women found themselves at the stone rolled away. There’s only one thing that has staying power if we want someone to stay in our churches and that’s Jesus. People who look like him, act like him, submit their lives to him, and sit with him help, of course, but ultimately if the people are the draw, when the people disappoint (as they have in droves), then the women (and men) will leave. And I don’t blame them.
When we have churches that are oriented around a doctrine, a person, a personality type, a building, a type of bible translation, a kind of service opportunity, a style of worship, even a liturgical calendar, we are pointing people to the wrong orientation. We are giving them a golden calf and calling it God-made.
Want women to stay in your church? Make Jesus the fragrance and the center of your life, and then waft the incarnation and the person of Jesus toward everyone who enters. Make it impossible for anyone to leave without feeling loved, known, helped, and listened to by Jesus.
Do you want to read more about this orientation around Jesus and not the church/people? I wrote about it here:
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I blame this trajectory on N.T. Wright and his book Surprised by Hope which I read sometime around then and have reread multiple times since.
They used to solicit articles from me fairly regularly, but I have not been a reader or writer of it in almost a decade. I have reasons. If you’re not familiar, no biggie. If you are, then you know.
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I read your book and have been reading you for a few months now! While I understand the sentiment in a limited capacity as a man can who is married to woman, It's strange to me to see Internet personalities claiming the whole of earth's women are having an American experience with the whole of the church presented as an American institution. Both of these assumptions feel incomplete and the prescriptions of making Jesus the fragrance and wafting the incarnation over ones life to me at least falls short of the desires Christ has for his bride.
From what I have seen, it seems the church's failures are failures to champion and conquer with his sacraments. Jesus isn't a fragrance but the sustenance in the elements we consume in remembrance of him. The most loved I've ever felt in a church is when I could practice the sacred experience of penance and receive forgiveness, not only from a priest but especially the laity.
Where my family came from Mexico our women were and still are healers. They still believe in commission Jesus commanded of them that they would anoint the heads of others and lay hands on others and people would be healed. And I have seen these things outside of the American divisions that believe they are participants in the "global church", but one rarely hears of such things in these fifty states perhaps because men and women no longer believe.
Maybe the failure of men in America is we are not receptive the sermon in a song that came from Mary. Maybe the failure of women in America is that they have forgotten like men the sacraments. And if religion is no longer sacred, it ceases to be religion, and then it is not that women are leaving the church, but the outposts of American christianity have already abandoned the sacraments and are no longer living pieces of the body of the bride but bits of dead skin shed being abandoned as women and men continue their search for true religion.
All this said thank you Lore. I will continue to meditate on this post and am grateful for your continued work. Perhaps even one day we could discuss these things further. Blessings.