Oh Lore. I read this thinking about my own southern Oregon exposure to this life as a teenager. My youth group curricula was Bill Gothard. So much shame and damage from those years. Thank you for your courage!
Y’all left me in tears. I grew up in an immigrant family, isolated by religion and parochial schools: pre home schooling but otherwise the same.
At seventy, on my sixth round of therapy, I’m finally realizing the trauma goes all the way back to preverbal. I’m glad you’re getting to see the world through different perspectives. Good luck
As someone who was firmly raised to be in the Bill Gothard/IBLP trad-wife trajectory but got out, this post was both validating and tender-like-a-bruise to read. As a young teen I used to help my dad pass out pamphlets and worksheets for the local Bill Gothard seminars we hosted at many churches in our area.
I see so many twenty-somethings bragging about getting their young families back to “traditional, conservative Christian values” (i.e., 80s-90s fundamentalism) and I wince because I know (viscerally) what kind of fruit that can bear in a family unit decades later. I won’t divulge details that aren’t mine but let’s just say, it didn’t turn out in the way all those homeschool conventions promised my parents it would, painfully so.
our local homeschool conference was the highlight of our year—fashion show (us girls got to see how each other put together new combinations of denim skirts and t-shirts) and a sort of homeschool hollywood where we might catch a glimpse of one of our celebrities (voddie baucham, anyone?). as we graduated high school and our parents’ interests shifted, all that energy redirected to reformed church conferences lol. it felt freer, but the trappings were ultimately the same. also a fashion show, also a hollywood (the way my family and i fawned over john macarthur when he came to town!).
"I snuck in all the bad I could just so I could feel something besides the towering piles of shame I felt at never being good enough." Oooooh friend I feel that so deeply.
I grew up somewhat adjacent to these circles and my heart breaks for the kids who were so deeply harmed by this stuff. Thank you for speaking out. Thank you for your honesty. I'm so grateful you escaped.
Im so sorry about all this. I've read so many of your fellow homeschoolers' stories - working the pain, confusion, and trauma. Im so glad your mom got out. Im so glad you got out. That you have been able to learn and grow and think and become. And I am glad that this evil is being exposed.
As a former Upper Echelon homeschooler who wore navy and white but also didn’t fit in because I was strong, opinionated, and liked to ask questions (while also trying to fit in and be sweet and gentle) I feel this.
There are an entire generation of us who already did this and got the hell out.
It’s so wild to me to see the ideology of my past be elevated yet again in a new generation who has no clue. 😭
It was good to hear about the past you don’t often talk about and to remember that there are more of us who escaped and went on to live (mostly) normal lives.
This was really powerful, and really moving! All I can think is that the root of this ugliness goes so deep that it is still bearing its' rotten fruit, and shape-shifting into other forms today. It makes me want to both rage and weep.
Whew, so much here, so much to say. Just have enough time for two thoughts. I was in the same generation of homeschoolers, but my family was very much outside the conference culture, and ATI and were even outsiders to our local influences (most of our friends were ATI, etc.). Every year that passes, I’m thankful that I was the outsider, and that my parents taught me to be okay with that. (Because no kid wants to feel like the outsider.) I still remember the culture shock I had when I went to a homeschooling conference in my early teens. The products, the teaching, the whole experience was eye opening even though I was still heavily surrounded by the patriarchal worldview. Secondly, I am more and more convinced that the way that masculinity was and is taught is demeaning to both men and women. The absolute fragility they assume men have in various ways is astounding for people that claim that men should be the strong ones.
I know this is probably not very helpful, but as a foreigner (Christian living in Germany) my first gut reaction was how weird the US and American Christianity sometimes can be. I am very blessed by many American authors, pastors, movies etc.., but some excesses that the ones you describe in this post with child marriages, homeschooling Comic-Con and old dudes feeling attracted to the "maturity" of young teenage girls and the documentaries showing purity balls, snake churches, teleevangelists and what have you... are just odd (to put it mildly) for many Christians (and especially non-Christians) in Europe, where homeschooling isn't a big thing and the Christian subculture is just much smaller due to secularisation. It's not all better over here, I guess we have less highs and less lows. Anyway, much love and thanks for sharing even such difficult stories and sharp analysis. Especially the last paragraph is powerful. "Where are they? They grew up."
If I may add another thing about the older trad-wives not being present on social media is that part of the appeal of trad-wives is their youthful appeal. It's not all just about traditional virtues and being against feminism, it's a form sexiness that (maybe unconsciously) is supposed to be conveyed: look how attractive I am when I cook, take care of the kids and so on. I think social media performance is often driven by this kind of attractiveness.
American exceptionalism, that's all it is. There is a never ending quest for individualizing here that thrives in us vs them mentality, so the weirder you are, the more moral you feel.
I agree with you about the SM performative nature of trad-life. It was that back in my childhood too, we just didn't have SM to flaunt it. We have homeschool comic-con ;)
Well, and homeschool families were early adopters of blogging. There was even a whole blogging platform for homeschoolers. There were internet celebrity quiverful families before the Duggers. And as weird as it looked to outsiders, it gave status within the subculture.
I am so sorry that you and so many others were hurt so badly as a child. I was a parent during that time, and we nearly fell into that trap as well. The things we were told, the teachings seemed so good and so right, until they didn't. I thank and praise the Holy Spirit for opening our eyes before our children were too damaged. I know they were hurt in some ways that they have yet to discuss with us. Your generation carries a burden if shame because of what your parents were taught. God can redeem those years for you. I pray He will.
I actually think a lot of our parents were being hurt too. I wrote about this more extensively in one of the pieces I linked to in the above piece about forgiving my mother. There's culpability for sure and parents need to get specific about the exact ways and means they hurt those in their care. I don't advocate for blanket, "I got it wrong sometimes but I did mostly okay, didn't I?" But part of our healing as children is also recognizing that our parents were being harmed as well.
Yes, I agree, Lore. So many of our friends ended up in divorce, leaving the church completely, and having really messed up kids. Sad how the enemy works.
Lore, as the third child in a family of eight, and the only daughter until my sister was born when I was in middle school, I feel grateful for the words you have put to your experience. Both the pressure to be good, the shame that comes with not being enough, and the price of being “mature for your age”. Thank you for being willing to share your life story with us, it’s a gift for the many former children of fundamentalism (for me, IBLP), to have in the continuous unlearning and reframing of our adulthoods. 💛
I relate so much to the “turning over every rock to see what’s underneath, no matter what” part so much. Probably because it was so deeply frowned upon growing up.
Thank you for putting into words the thoughts that so many of us who are healing from this type of upbringing struggle to express.
Oh Lore. I read this thinking about my own southern Oregon exposure to this life as a teenager. My youth group curricula was Bill Gothard. So much shame and damage from those years. Thank you for your courage!
Y’all left me in tears. I grew up in an immigrant family, isolated by religion and parochial schools: pre home schooling but otherwise the same.
At seventy, on my sixth round of therapy, I’m finally realizing the trauma goes all the way back to preverbal. I’m glad you’re getting to see the world through different perspectives. Good luck
As someone who was firmly raised to be in the Bill Gothard/IBLP trad-wife trajectory but got out, this post was both validating and tender-like-a-bruise to read. As a young teen I used to help my dad pass out pamphlets and worksheets for the local Bill Gothard seminars we hosted at many churches in our area.
I see so many twenty-somethings bragging about getting their young families back to “traditional, conservative Christian values” (i.e., 80s-90s fundamentalism) and I wince because I know (viscerally) what kind of fruit that can bear in a family unit decades later. I won’t divulge details that aren’t mine but let’s just say, it didn’t turn out in the way all those homeschool conventions promised my parents it would, painfully so.
our local homeschool conference was the highlight of our year—fashion show (us girls got to see how each other put together new combinations of denim skirts and t-shirts) and a sort of homeschool hollywood where we might catch a glimpse of one of our celebrities (voddie baucham, anyone?). as we graduated high school and our parents’ interests shifted, all that energy redirected to reformed church conferences lol. it felt freer, but the trappings were ultimately the same. also a fashion show, also a hollywood (the way my family and i fawned over john macarthur when he came to town!).
"I snuck in all the bad I could just so I could feel something besides the towering piles of shame I felt at never being good enough." Oooooh friend I feel that so deeply.
I grew up somewhat adjacent to these circles and my heart breaks for the kids who were so deeply harmed by this stuff. Thank you for speaking out. Thank you for your honesty. I'm so grateful you escaped.
Im so sorry about all this. I've read so many of your fellow homeschoolers' stories - working the pain, confusion, and trauma. Im so glad your mom got out. Im so glad you got out. That you have been able to learn and grow and think and become. And I am glad that this evil is being exposed.
gosh this brought up sooo many memories. where are the older trad wives? they grew up. they got out. thank you for sharing lore ❤️🩹
As a former Upper Echelon homeschooler who wore navy and white but also didn’t fit in because I was strong, opinionated, and liked to ask questions (while also trying to fit in and be sweet and gentle) I feel this.
There are an entire generation of us who already did this and got the hell out.
It’s so wild to me to see the ideology of my past be elevated yet again in a new generation who has no clue. 😭
It was good to hear about the past you don’t often talk about and to remember that there are more of us who escaped and went on to live (mostly) normal lives.
This was really powerful, and really moving! All I can think is that the root of this ugliness goes so deep that it is still bearing its' rotten fruit, and shape-shifting into other forms today. It makes me want to both rage and weep.
I learned something new today. I did not know what a Trad wife was.
Whew, so much here, so much to say. Just have enough time for two thoughts. I was in the same generation of homeschoolers, but my family was very much outside the conference culture, and ATI and were even outsiders to our local influences (most of our friends were ATI, etc.). Every year that passes, I’m thankful that I was the outsider, and that my parents taught me to be okay with that. (Because no kid wants to feel like the outsider.) I still remember the culture shock I had when I went to a homeschooling conference in my early teens. The products, the teaching, the whole experience was eye opening even though I was still heavily surrounded by the patriarchal worldview. Secondly, I am more and more convinced that the way that masculinity was and is taught is demeaning to both men and women. The absolute fragility they assume men have in various ways is astounding for people that claim that men should be the strong ones.
I'm thankful too, Kimi =)
Have you read Jesus and John Wayne? Lots of thoughts about male fragility in there.
I read it when it was first published! So good!
I know this is probably not very helpful, but as a foreigner (Christian living in Germany) my first gut reaction was how weird the US and American Christianity sometimes can be. I am very blessed by many American authors, pastors, movies etc.., but some excesses that the ones you describe in this post with child marriages, homeschooling Comic-Con and old dudes feeling attracted to the "maturity" of young teenage girls and the documentaries showing purity balls, snake churches, teleevangelists and what have you... are just odd (to put it mildly) for many Christians (and especially non-Christians) in Europe, where homeschooling isn't a big thing and the Christian subculture is just much smaller due to secularisation. It's not all better over here, I guess we have less highs and less lows. Anyway, much love and thanks for sharing even such difficult stories and sharp analysis. Especially the last paragraph is powerful. "Where are they? They grew up."
If I may add another thing about the older trad-wives not being present on social media is that part of the appeal of trad-wives is their youthful appeal. It's not all just about traditional virtues and being against feminism, it's a form sexiness that (maybe unconsciously) is supposed to be conveyed: look how attractive I am when I cook, take care of the kids and so on. I think social media performance is often driven by this kind of attractiveness.
American exceptionalism, that's all it is. There is a never ending quest for individualizing here that thrives in us vs them mentality, so the weirder you are, the more moral you feel.
I agree with you about the SM performative nature of trad-life. It was that back in my childhood too, we just didn't have SM to flaunt it. We have homeschool comic-con ;)
Well, and homeschool families were early adopters of blogging. There was even a whole blogging platform for homeschoolers. There were internet celebrity quiverful families before the Duggers. And as weird as it looked to outsiders, it gave status within the subculture.
I am so sorry that you and so many others were hurt so badly as a child. I was a parent during that time, and we nearly fell into that trap as well. The things we were told, the teachings seemed so good and so right, until they didn't. I thank and praise the Holy Spirit for opening our eyes before our children were too damaged. I know they were hurt in some ways that they have yet to discuss with us. Your generation carries a burden if shame because of what your parents were taught. God can redeem those years for you. I pray He will.
I actually think a lot of our parents were being hurt too. I wrote about this more extensively in one of the pieces I linked to in the above piece about forgiving my mother. There's culpability for sure and parents need to get specific about the exact ways and means they hurt those in their care. I don't advocate for blanket, "I got it wrong sometimes but I did mostly okay, didn't I?" But part of our healing as children is also recognizing that our parents were being harmed as well.
Yes, I agree, Lore. So many of our friends ended up in divorce, leaving the church completely, and having really messed up kids. Sad how the enemy works.
Lore, as the third child in a family of eight, and the only daughter until my sister was born when I was in middle school, I feel grateful for the words you have put to your experience. Both the pressure to be good, the shame that comes with not being enough, and the price of being “mature for your age”. Thank you for being willing to share your life story with us, it’s a gift for the many former children of fundamentalism (for me, IBLP), to have in the continuous unlearning and reframing of our adulthoods. 💛
Thank you, Sarah. I'm sorry you have this story too.
I relate so much to the “turning over every rock to see what’s underneath, no matter what” part so much. Probably because it was so deeply frowned upon growing up.
Thank you for putting into words the thoughts that so many of us who are healing from this type of upbringing struggle to express.
We heal by saying it all out loud, Marissa. I see you healing. Keep doing it.