I’ve known of you and your writing for several years now but never knew you originated from Lancaster County (my birthplace) or had a Mennonite (assuming) fundamentalist background (me too). What a small world. Thank you for using your platform to talk about this. ❤️🩹
“Your fiery, sparky, sparkly, stubborn heart is beautiful” and I’m so glad you’re reclaiming it. I’m almost 15 years behind you, but too much of this was still true for me. Just this past week I was grappling with yet new discoveries of what was stolen from me by this terrible form of “childhood.” It never seems to end.
"There are no sessions on how to walk through hell at the homeschool conventions."
Oof. I got that too. Here's how I wrote it: "They don't tell you that one day you might have to leave that parent behind and go on alone to face the thing for which there are no words."
Here's to us who did what we had to, what we weren't ever taught, and came up with the will to make it better for the next ones in line!
Well, I loved homeschooling. I have two kids. I am thankful, so thankful, for my family. I grew up all kinds of crazy. I went from the world to the quiet church. I did not run into the problems you did. For one, I did not go to conventions and I was kind of a regular type person homeschooling. I am a housewife. It's not a bad gig. I love it. I hope that you find some people on here who are doing okay. I am sorry you had the experience you did.
Lore, what was your family’s homeschool business? I homeschooled and went to those conventions, but I always felt like an imposter. My earlier life, as a non-Christian, permanently ruled out being a full-fledged, bona-fide, ideal homeschool parent. I was never “all in”. I became a Christian early into my 2nd marriage. So, Strike 1 - I was divorced. Strike 2- I had a daughter from that marriage that spent every other weekend with her dad. He was an alcoholic and drug user and his house was a mini- living hell. He frequently said “Don’t tell your mother” to my daughter, and she didn’t. I was fighting an enemy that I could not see. But I still fought. And I was a transparent Christian. Earnestly looking for friends who would love my children and offer godly wisdom and pray for us.
There was no grace in the HS community for my daughter and, ultimately, my family. But I forged on alone, captured by the ideal of a loose curriculum that used real books and unit studies to learn. I was an independent thinker, a voracious reader with a gift for teaching. Our homeschooling was an adventure with math thrown in. I passed on “Elsie Dinsmore” and embraced LM Montgomery.
A creative soul, I finally gave in to the pull of children’s theatre and became part-owner of a children’s bookstore and community theatre group during my two youngest high school years. And thus the cord to the elite HS group was broken. Not as an act of rebellion on my part, but because of who I was and how I was gifted. Did I make mistakes along the way? An emphatic YES!!! But I had a strong, grace-filled church and a firm faith to guide me, and sometimes save me from myself.
So, I’ve written this as a Christian woman that other Christian women didn’t know what to do with sometimes. But there’s enough forgiveness in God to go around. And, at 67, that’s where I find the freedom to be me. Extremely gifted in some areas, but ridiculously insecure.
Might need to journal and cry about this later 😅 I'm thinking about how I likewise had a specific family whose voices haunted me for years, and the regret of ideas, books, and people I introduced others to (as a 19 year old bride). Also how the impression I had for a decade was that things should be easy, having had so many perfect examples and knowing exactly what to do, and my failure to do that must be entirely my fault. I think I realize now that none of it was sustainable, as well as that so many things (about child "training" in particular), I'm SO grateful I was not "capable" of. Still, I thought I would be a "gradually found freedom" kind of ex-tradwife, not the forced to start over kind. That's what I want the young new tradwives to know. You never, ever expect it. Maybe there is a clear-eyed preparedness that is not jaded; that is what I'm wrestling with now.
I'm so glad I married a man too sensible, arguably too broken by this world, to expect to be the kind of man required to have a trad-wife. He gave me space to fine my own footing. Now the land under my feet is far more secure because it's not dependent on him. Benefitted by, absolutely; but dependant, no.
In 1988, I was saved into an Independent Fundamental Baptist church. I knew no different for 20 years, although i knew something was not right. I actually wanted to leave many times. Soon after I was saved, my pastor and his wife ad kids went to a Gothard conference in TX. A good friend that I met after I got saved asked me to drive down with her. It was kind of funny. Her husband was a used car dealer and she had this big ole boat convertible Cadillac. We lived in Canada. I could have just seen us coasting down there like Thelma and Louise! My (new) husband didn't want me to go, so I stayed home and she asked me to help her make a banner for the back of the church for when he got back. His last name was Wood, so we made a banner with the verse from Proverbs---Where no wood is the fire goes out. When he got back, it was crickets. It turned out they were having an affair and her husband found out! Of course the old...you can't touch the man of God narrative was preached from the pulpit. The people that led us there left. I wanted to go. From the first time I met him, I believed he was a sex offender. Eventually all my gut feelings and beliefs about his conduct came true and he went to jail. I believe he was having sexual contact with around 20-25 women in a church of 200. Only 6 came forward. He tried with me but I was onto him. I asked too many questions and bucked the system. We wore dresses but our church wasn't as into the training of young women like yours was. It was still very much a part of it though. I do know how devastating it can be. My 2 oldest daughters struggled the most. They still are struggling. I had 7 kids and some of my older kids nurtured a younger child. I was the mom. I looked after my kids. Some of my friends allowed their older children to be in charge of the younger but I didn't agree with it. I went though a period of deconstruction as I couldn't correlate what was being preached with what the Bible said. He had a communication program. It was supposed to help us love the unsaved but it was spouses dating other people's spouses. My husband was taking other women out on dates. I didn't agree with it and was told to leave the church if I didn't like it. My marriage has never been the same. Jack Hyles from Chicago was the main focus of our church's man worship. There's a reason churches need to being community with other churches. It stops men like our psychopath pastor from manipulating and controlling 200 people. There was no accountability. I'm glad your mother got out. I can't imagine how she suffered without her kids. This is not Christ's church. This is what Paul warned against. Wolves in sheep's clothing, tearing apart the flock. Some men in our church lost their lives. Some lost their families. But I guess they should have stood up to him. I remember the day I found out the church was closing. We lived in the country and had a long laneway. I remember running and jumping and shouting Praise God! Thank God he brought me back! I began to devour my Bible! Fitting in to other churches took years. We were so traumatized we didn't know how to act. Funny, in the 90's my husband and I took a trip to Lancaster as I love quilts. I loved the countryside and the Amish.
As a former trad-wife in my mid-40s, I knew the answer to this as soon as I saw the title. I'm sorry it took your mom so long to get out, but I'm glad she did! I live in Moscow, ID (Doug Wilson land) and I see so many very young women with very young children orbiting them. They're well-dressed and look happy, but I know how exhausted they must be, and how they can't show it. I hope they wake up someday.
Another brave post--especially the picture. We all grow up in some system or another, but some are more escapable. Spending a lifetime (or many, as some of us have had several lives, including you) mining all the toxicities that go so deep is work to be done with Jesus. Look at the system He grew up in.
Even His own family publicly called Him crazy once, siblings or cousins denied His divine identity when miracles were right in front of them. Only Mary, and Joseph, but alas he did not live long enough to correct them, stayed true to her son.
I like that you have discovered and are dissecting this. It's a shared experience of life, no matter the system. This is better than therapy, this is family, this is fellowship. Thank you, Lore.
Lore, thank you for all of this. I was a trad wife long before there was such a thing if you want to use the rough definition that I have created for the term: A wife married to man deemed to be a patriarch whose dress, food choices, meals, social life, and number of children and how those children were raised were all dictated by her husband and/or the religion under whose authoritarian control she lived. I had limited influence since I was this type of wife long before there was an internet, but in my small sphere of influence, I know I was looked up to as an example of how to live this type of life.
Thankfully, I too woke up and got out of the cult. (Mormonism)
Your story is remarkable and I’m sure it will give insight and courage to others. Thanks for sharing. Bless you.
Hi Lore 👋
I’ve known of you and your writing for several years now but never knew you originated from Lancaster County (my birthplace) or had a Mennonite (assuming) fundamentalist background (me too). What a small world. Thank you for using your platform to talk about this. ❤️🩹
HI Rachel, I originated from Bucks Co, not far from Lanc =) But I spent a lot of time here in my teen years. I was raised Mennonite though =)
“Your fiery, sparky, sparkly, stubborn heart is beautiful” and I’m so glad you’re reclaiming it. I’m almost 15 years behind you, but too much of this was still true for me. Just this past week I was grappling with yet new discoveries of what was stolen from me by this terrible form of “childhood.” It never seems to end.
"There are no sessions on how to walk through hell at the homeschool conventions."
Oof. I got that too. Here's how I wrote it: "They don't tell you that one day you might have to leave that parent behind and go on alone to face the thing for which there are no words."
Here's to us who did what we had to, what we weren't ever taught, and came up with the will to make it better for the next ones in line!
Well, I loved homeschooling. I have two kids. I am thankful, so thankful, for my family. I grew up all kinds of crazy. I went from the world to the quiet church. I did not run into the problems you did. For one, I did not go to conventions and I was kind of a regular type person homeschooling. I am a housewife. It's not a bad gig. I love it. I hope that you find some people on here who are doing okay. I am sorry you had the experience you did.
Lore, what was your family’s homeschool business? I homeschooled and went to those conventions, but I always felt like an imposter. My earlier life, as a non-Christian, permanently ruled out being a full-fledged, bona-fide, ideal homeschool parent. I was never “all in”. I became a Christian early into my 2nd marriage. So, Strike 1 - I was divorced. Strike 2- I had a daughter from that marriage that spent every other weekend with her dad. He was an alcoholic and drug user and his house was a mini- living hell. He frequently said “Don’t tell your mother” to my daughter, and she didn’t. I was fighting an enemy that I could not see. But I still fought. And I was a transparent Christian. Earnestly looking for friends who would love my children and offer godly wisdom and pray for us.
There was no grace in the HS community for my daughter and, ultimately, my family. But I forged on alone, captured by the ideal of a loose curriculum that used real books and unit studies to learn. I was an independent thinker, a voracious reader with a gift for teaching. Our homeschooling was an adventure with math thrown in. I passed on “Elsie Dinsmore” and embraced LM Montgomery.
A creative soul, I finally gave in to the pull of children’s theatre and became part-owner of a children’s bookstore and community theatre group during my two youngest high school years. And thus the cord to the elite HS group was broken. Not as an act of rebellion on my part, but because of who I was and how I was gifted. Did I make mistakes along the way? An emphatic YES!!! But I had a strong, grace-filled church and a firm faith to guide me, and sometimes save me from myself.
So, I’ve written this as a Christian woman that other Christian women didn’t know what to do with sometimes. But there’s enough forgiveness in God to go around. And, at 67, that’s where I find the freedom to be me. Extremely gifted in some areas, but ridiculously insecure.
Your post was both painful and gracious.
Might need to journal and cry about this later 😅 I'm thinking about how I likewise had a specific family whose voices haunted me for years, and the regret of ideas, books, and people I introduced others to (as a 19 year old bride). Also how the impression I had for a decade was that things should be easy, having had so many perfect examples and knowing exactly what to do, and my failure to do that must be entirely my fault. I think I realize now that none of it was sustainable, as well as that so many things (about child "training" in particular), I'm SO grateful I was not "capable" of. Still, I thought I would be a "gradually found freedom" kind of ex-tradwife, not the forced to start over kind. That's what I want the young new tradwives to know. You never, ever expect it. Maybe there is a clear-eyed preparedness that is not jaded; that is what I'm wrestling with now.
I'm so glad I married a man too sensible, arguably too broken by this world, to expect to be the kind of man required to have a trad-wife. He gave me space to fine my own footing. Now the land under my feet is far more secure because it's not dependent on him. Benefitted by, absolutely; but dependant, no.
In 1988, I was saved into an Independent Fundamental Baptist church. I knew no different for 20 years, although i knew something was not right. I actually wanted to leave many times. Soon after I was saved, my pastor and his wife ad kids went to a Gothard conference in TX. A good friend that I met after I got saved asked me to drive down with her. It was kind of funny. Her husband was a used car dealer and she had this big ole boat convertible Cadillac. We lived in Canada. I could have just seen us coasting down there like Thelma and Louise! My (new) husband didn't want me to go, so I stayed home and she asked me to help her make a banner for the back of the church for when he got back. His last name was Wood, so we made a banner with the verse from Proverbs---Where no wood is the fire goes out. When he got back, it was crickets. It turned out they were having an affair and her husband found out! Of course the old...you can't touch the man of God narrative was preached from the pulpit. The people that led us there left. I wanted to go. From the first time I met him, I believed he was a sex offender. Eventually all my gut feelings and beliefs about his conduct came true and he went to jail. I believe he was having sexual contact with around 20-25 women in a church of 200. Only 6 came forward. He tried with me but I was onto him. I asked too many questions and bucked the system. We wore dresses but our church wasn't as into the training of young women like yours was. It was still very much a part of it though. I do know how devastating it can be. My 2 oldest daughters struggled the most. They still are struggling. I had 7 kids and some of my older kids nurtured a younger child. I was the mom. I looked after my kids. Some of my friends allowed their older children to be in charge of the younger but I didn't agree with it. I went though a period of deconstruction as I couldn't correlate what was being preached with what the Bible said. He had a communication program. It was supposed to help us love the unsaved but it was spouses dating other people's spouses. My husband was taking other women out on dates. I didn't agree with it and was told to leave the church if I didn't like it. My marriage has never been the same. Jack Hyles from Chicago was the main focus of our church's man worship. There's a reason churches need to being community with other churches. It stops men like our psychopath pastor from manipulating and controlling 200 people. There was no accountability. I'm glad your mother got out. I can't imagine how she suffered without her kids. This is not Christ's church. This is what Paul warned against. Wolves in sheep's clothing, tearing apart the flock. Some men in our church lost their lives. Some lost their families. But I guess they should have stood up to him. I remember the day I found out the church was closing. We lived in the country and had a long laneway. I remember running and jumping and shouting Praise God! Thank God he brought me back! I began to devour my Bible! Fitting in to other churches took years. We were so traumatized we didn't know how to act. Funny, in the 90's my husband and I took a trip to Lancaster as I love quilts. I loved the countryside and the Amish.
As a former trad-wife in my mid-40s, I knew the answer to this as soon as I saw the title. I'm sorry it took your mom so long to get out, but I'm glad she did! I live in Moscow, ID (Doug Wilson land) and I see so many very young women with very young children orbiting them. They're well-dressed and look happy, but I know how exhausted they must be, and how they can't show it. I hope they wake up someday.
Thanks for writing this, Lore.
Erin! Thanks for reading =) I hope you're doing well in life!
Another brave post--especially the picture. We all grow up in some system or another, but some are more escapable. Spending a lifetime (or many, as some of us have had several lives, including you) mining all the toxicities that go so deep is work to be done with Jesus. Look at the system He grew up in.
Even His own family publicly called Him crazy once, siblings or cousins denied His divine identity when miracles were right in front of them. Only Mary, and Joseph, but alas he did not live long enough to correct them, stayed true to her son.
I like that you have discovered and are dissecting this. It's a shared experience of life, no matter the system. This is better than therapy, this is family, this is fellowship. Thank you, Lore.
Wow that fourth footnote…. Some deep purity culture shit. (No other word for it, sorry.)
I'm one of those trad wives that got out!
Lore, thank you for all of this. I was a trad wife long before there was such a thing if you want to use the rough definition that I have created for the term: A wife married to man deemed to be a patriarch whose dress, food choices, meals, social life, and number of children and how those children were raised were all dictated by her husband and/or the religion under whose authoritarian control she lived. I had limited influence since I was this type of wife long before there was an internet, but in my small sphere of influence, I know I was looked up to as an example of how to live this type of life.
Thankfully, I too woke up and got out of the cult. (Mormonism)
Your story is remarkable and I’m sure it will give insight and courage to others. Thanks for sharing. Bless you.
Thanks for sharing this, Lore!
I don't have the words to adequately respond to this. I am simply glad that you got out and that you are warning others. Much love, my friend.