I relate to this so much. I was an all-state volleyball player all through high school. For over a decade I played sports year-round: volleyball, basketball, tennis, track, cross country, softball. I identified as an athlete. Then adulthood pulled me away with obligations and I also dealt with chronic health issues — one of them leading to brain surgery, the other to a hysterectomy at 36. In moments where I feel like my body should be able to slip back into some kind of muscle memory, it’s always shocking at how I’m not able to while also knowing my body has changed dramatically. I’ve had to develop almost a separate relationship with my body, as if she’s a separate friend. Would I insult that friend for not being able to hold a plank or jump to spike a volleyball, or easily run a mile? No. I’d encourage her and tell her how proud I am for all she’s been through and that she’s trying. It’s still emotional labor though. It’s this weird paradox of grief with aging. I honor my body for all she’s been through over the years while also grieving that she’s changed so much to where I don’t recognize her bc in my mind, I can still do things like when I was 18.
Wow, I have done so many of the things you have done. Wilderness camp leader at a Bible camp in Alaska. Rock and ice climbing with teenagers. Week long canoe trips. Back when my body was my friend.
This week I went to PT and tried to convince my knee, that was once on my team, to bend straight. It's apparently decided it will not cooperate and I'm determined to convince it that it can do this. Just like I encouraged middle schoolers that they can climb this wall, cross this stream.
I am not in the agony camp you are in. I feel for you. Thank you for sharing your journey. It's a wilderness trip of a different nature.
Right now at the end of vacation that normally would be a breeze… however I stubbed my toe and think broke
a bone on top of my foot… I’m walking around a city with toe envy… so frustrating to have hopes dashed… as I age things happen so often that am to steal joy… but I had a “thin” place moment this morning where God as so real… so present even in the pain. XO
Former rock climber here. I can relate. SO. MUCH. I say "former" because right now I'm not active, but I'm hoping to get back to it—somehow—as soon as I'm "settled." Meaning, a safe place to live, fair health, and a lack of chaos.
Thanks for sharing. The bit about living out of your brain really resonated with me. Also this brought back memories of embarrassing dress checks in “college” (or so they called themselves, where you lined up with 50-100 other girls to be scrutinized from head to toe. Hard to love your body when the “freshman 15” earn you demerits for something being a little too snug.
Our relationships with are bodies are so complex, layered, and dynamic. Then again, they are us, aren't they? Thanks for sharing this. I enjoyed the read and could so relate. I would so love to be able to do a front hand spring or a backwards dive again. Maybe someday! For now I'm incredibly thankful for the ability to soak in a tub, or get a deep tissue massage, and go to yoga.
I am so sorry. My prayer is that science and medicine will continue to evolve while you are still young and can once again enjoy that part of your life you cherish. 💛🙏🏼☮️
There is so much here and much I could say. But what I will say is that it’s crazy what you say at the end because just last night I was watching a show that had a person mount up on a horse with a lovely Western saddle and I could feel it! It surprised me so much. (I haven’t ridden in years and haven’t ridden Western in decades.)
Like you, spent ten years in my youth at the most awesome camp. We still have a memories page. Did things after that but being a sole caregiver and driver of long commutes, has reduced me to little muscle. But God is faithful and I have lost 30 lbs.
I pray the Lord of life heals you miraculously. You are forgiving and forgetting for the right reasons. That always opens up a wide highway for Him to answer prayer. He has done that for me.
"A few things happened in my twenties, a few things I don’t really want to talk about here, but things that took me out of my body and put me into my brain. My brain was the only way to survive and I was rewarded for it, and it has been the worst thing to ever happen to my body." -
This resonated with me so hard. The combo of CPTSD, marriage to an undiagnosed autistic man, miscarriage and perfectionism drove me so far into my brain and away from my body. Trying to relearn how to be in this difficult friendship with my body.
I am so sorry to be there in too with you. So much of my life was about not trusting my body/heart/gut, etc., and I know it's part of why I am where I am today. I don't wish this on the next generation of women at all!
I hear you friend. It happened to me at 40. A big body breakdown that swept so much away. I know the grief and the longing and all the ways it rearranges the landscape of our lives. Just to say I'm with you. And I'm so sorry.
This is me. KJ Ramsey has been writing about her own battle with just intense health issues. Her writings about chronic illness say how I feel in beautiful words. She has reminded me again and again love my body
I relate to this so much. I was an all-state volleyball player all through high school. For over a decade I played sports year-round: volleyball, basketball, tennis, track, cross country, softball. I identified as an athlete. Then adulthood pulled me away with obligations and I also dealt with chronic health issues — one of them leading to brain surgery, the other to a hysterectomy at 36. In moments where I feel like my body should be able to slip back into some kind of muscle memory, it’s always shocking at how I’m not able to while also knowing my body has changed dramatically. I’ve had to develop almost a separate relationship with my body, as if she’s a separate friend. Would I insult that friend for not being able to hold a plank or jump to spike a volleyball, or easily run a mile? No. I’d encourage her and tell her how proud I am for all she’s been through and that she’s trying. It’s still emotional labor though. It’s this weird paradox of grief with aging. I honor my body for all she’s been through over the years while also grieving that she’s changed so much to where I don’t recognize her bc in my mind, I can still do things like when I was 18.
Wow, I have done so many of the things you have done. Wilderness camp leader at a Bible camp in Alaska. Rock and ice climbing with teenagers. Week long canoe trips. Back when my body was my friend.
This week I went to PT and tried to convince my knee, that was once on my team, to bend straight. It's apparently decided it will not cooperate and I'm determined to convince it that it can do this. Just like I encouraged middle schoolers that they can climb this wall, cross this stream.
I am not in the agony camp you are in. I feel for you. Thank you for sharing your journey. It's a wilderness trip of a different nature.
Right now at the end of vacation that normally would be a breeze… however I stubbed my toe and think broke
a bone on top of my foot… I’m walking around a city with toe envy… so frustrating to have hopes dashed… as I age things happen so often that am to steal joy… but I had a “thin” place moment this morning where God as so real… so present even in the pain. XO
How in the world did you camp out, in the winter, for two days, while on your period?!?! Men have zero clue. (And me; I have zero clue!)
It was not pleasant, I’ll say that much :)
I mean, if you ever want to lead a fat girl’s trip on the Camino… I AM IN!!! (Fat girl = me; not calling anyone else fat)
Yes! I’d totally be on board for a trip that caters to the autoimmune struggle.
Ha! I mean….food for thought!
Former rock climber here. I can relate. SO. MUCH. I say "former" because right now I'm not active, but I'm hoping to get back to it—somehow—as soon as I'm "settled." Meaning, a safe place to live, fair health, and a lack of chaos.
This is a long and seemingly impossible list.
I am so sorry, I get it. Solidarity.
Thanks for sharing. The bit about living out of your brain really resonated with me. Also this brought back memories of embarrassing dress checks in “college” (or so they called themselves, where you lined up with 50-100 other girls to be scrutinized from head to toe. Hard to love your body when the “freshman 15” earn you demerits for something being a little too snug.
Oh man. Dress checks...they haunt me.
Our relationships with are bodies are so complex, layered, and dynamic. Then again, they are us, aren't they? Thanks for sharing this. I enjoyed the read and could so relate. I would so love to be able to do a front hand spring or a backwards dive again. Maybe someday! For now I'm incredibly thankful for the ability to soak in a tub, or get a deep tissue massage, and go to yoga.
So complex and dynamic. You said it. Also, I miss our bathtub SO much in weeks like these! Enjoy it!
Man, midlife and bodies. It's real.
It's real.
I am so sorry. My prayer is that science and medicine will continue to evolve while you are still young and can once again enjoy that part of your life you cherish. 💛🙏🏼☮️
Thank you!
Tis the season for flare ups. I can relate to much of this! It’s comforting to know I am not alone. Keep taking good care, the best you know how.
Right? Late summer produce is just the best...and the worst.
And specifically summer HEAT. I am officially over it.
There is so much here and much I could say. But what I will say is that it’s crazy what you say at the end because just last night I was watching a show that had a person mount up on a horse with a lovely Western saddle and I could feel it! It surprised me so much. (I haven’t ridden in years and haven’t ridden Western in decades.)
Muscle memory! Our bodies remember.
Yes!
Like you, spent ten years in my youth at the most awesome camp. We still have a memories page. Did things after that but being a sole caregiver and driver of long commutes, has reduced me to little muscle. But God is faithful and I have lost 30 lbs.
I pray the Lord of life heals you miraculously. You are forgiving and forgetting for the right reasons. That always opens up a wide highway for Him to answer prayer. He has done that for me.
Thank you! Truly.
"A few things happened in my twenties, a few things I don’t really want to talk about here, but things that took me out of my body and put me into my brain. My brain was the only way to survive and I was rewarded for it, and it has been the worst thing to ever happen to my body." -
This resonated with me so hard. The combo of CPTSD, marriage to an undiagnosed autistic man, miscarriage and perfectionism drove me so far into my brain and away from my body. Trying to relearn how to be in this difficult friendship with my body.
I am so sorry to be there in too with you. So much of my life was about not trusting my body/heart/gut, etc., and I know it's part of why I am where I am today. I don't wish this on the next generation of women at all!
I hear you friend. It happened to me at 40. A big body breakdown that swept so much away. I know the grief and the longing and all the ways it rearranges the landscape of our lives. Just to say I'm with you. And I'm so sorry.
I know you've been here before and had to learn the way out. And I'm sorry that you're in the thick of OTHER things now today. Never quits. Love you.
Grace & peace to us. Love you, too, Lore!
This is me. KJ Ramsey has been writing about her own battle with just intense health issues. Her writings about chronic illness say how I feel in beautiful words. She has reminded me again and again love my body
Thank you =)