Part I. I've changed my mind and that's the point
Starting with God
This is Part One of the series I’m calling I Changed My Mind on Sexuality.
Yesterday at couples counseling, we processed the concept of being good. We’re there to sort through a double-edged sword of our marriage. We both have a huge tolerance for the gray spaces and for disagreement between us and others, but this often means we can drift in these wide swaths of the unknown for a long time when we’re making a decision for ourselves (think of Tevye “on the other handing”).
Once we’ve made a decision, we’re both pretty swift in carrying it out, but we’re also very, very, very concerned with doing the right thing—which is silly when I say it aloud because how can we know what the exact right thing is anyway? What makes it the right thing? The outcome? The reason for deciding this instead of that? The confidence we feel within us? Affirmation from others?1
This is borne partially from our nature, or our personalities, but I think in good part it’s formed by the nurturing we’ve both had (and especially I’ve had) in conservative church environments. To be good—to do good, make good, say good—is a pillar in these spaces. It’s not even to not be bad, but to be good without question, to pad the core of our goodness with enough gray space, fluff, time, etc. that there can be no question about our goodness.2
The ways this plays out isn’t important for this piece, but it plays out across the board and in almost every single area of our lives, our budget, where we live, where we go to church, who we hang out with, what we think about, what we believe about ourselves, what we believe about God, and even whether we believe God exists at all.
And that’s what I want to talk about today.
This is the first in the series of posts I promised you on how I’ve changed my mind on sexuality. You can read the introduction post here.
If you’ve spent any time in Christian environments, you’ve heard things like, “If you want to know what God is like, look at Jesus,” or “What comes to your mind when you think about God is the most important thing about you,”3 or “If you want to know what a good father looks like, look at God.”
These are all very fine, good, and well if the problem for you doesn’t begin with “Does God exist?” which it always has for me.
Long time readers aren’t surprised by that. I have never promised you easy believe-ism and a simple faith. My faith has been compromised from some of my earliest memories for various reasons—most of them not having to do with trauma or other catastrophes, but from not being able to work out the dinosaur/flood situation, or the six day creation thing, or other issues around our genesis. I have never been satisfied with theologians or scientists on the matter. One extreme argues against things we can see with our own two eyes and the other extreme argues for the absence of a creator (greater power, intelligent designer, etc.)—I can’t make peace with either. It gets worse from there.
What does this have to do with sexuality? Getting there, but not for a while.
This series is behind a paywall for many reasons. If you absolutely cannot afford a subscription right now, contact me and I’ll get you sorted. If you can afford a subscription, it’s most economical for you to do a year’s instead of a monthly one ($3.50 a month vs $7). This series may take six months, I’m not sure 😬