Thank you for this Lore. Have been working through quite a bit, as we all have to wrestle to the varying degrees of harm, memories, internal harm and external harm (as so much of my story not only has done great internal damage, but also real external tangible consequences of housing, health, finances, financial poverty and so much more). The reminders of daily living out of the harm causing by others, and those most closet, are wounds that may just not fully heal in my life. It has shaped who I am, and recognize the process is so slow and requires the steadfast faithful, long-suffering patience of Christ to endure. Our paths are all different but am reminded how the pull to make the harm individualized, causing us to curve more and more inward out of self-protection. Since we feel it within ourselves, and this feeling can be so strong and intense, we forget or have no awareness of the damage it can also cause to others. For when one member suffers, the entire body of Christ suffers with it. Healing and forgiveness is very communal, but that has been one of the biggest challenges in my personal healing journey, which I feel will never end. Reaching out to others whom you trust to be 'safe place' to process, find help in those dark moments can actually increase the pain (especially to other Christians in your community), causing it to spiral and cascade even more. Pain has a bent toward finding other areas of lives, minds/hearts, relationships, experiences of invading, leaving a web of layers and layers of pain that feels suffocating.
On a side note, throughout my last couple of decades and now being in my 40s, the disorientation of my life has taken courses that severely leave you feeling more exposed, vulnerable, and need real tangible answers, as well the silent internal wrestling work (at times seems easier and other times harder). I am now beginning to explore going back to school (after having 3 college degrees that I have no alignment to where God has taken my life - disabilities, dozens upon dozens of surgeries, rejection and abandonment from most of my family and church community, singleness in a world of marriage/family, financial poverty, social isolation, and so much more - all of this can happen (and did) despite having the best of educations and a close "Christian" family growing up. So much deception and appearance of love that has caused so much damage that feels like it was take my entire lifetime to continue to explore.
Anyways, I am exploring something similar to what you highlighted in the opening section of this post, that you too were looking for a graduate program with a holistic bent that focused not only on the student’s future work in the formation of souls, but on the student’s own spiritual formation. I am trying to figure what type of program best aligns with where I am and what I am experienced, and what I am passionate about - counseling, MDiv, etc. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind sharing the program/school you ended up with or wouldn't mind chatting about privately at all. I'd love to find out more as it is pretty overwhelming and seems like your path has been somewhat similar to mine. Thanks so much for your posts - they are more where I am in the spiritual formation tension of life, expectation, our own stories and narratives, personal experiences and relationships that shape our theological lens (for good and for worse, etc), and so much more. Hoping we can chat at some point. I am new to the Substack platform and not sure if there is a private message feature or the easiest way to contact you. Thank you again!
Quite beautiful. I agree. You nailed some crucial tenants of true forgiveness, I think. And you’re so right: it’s a one-person job; you can forgive anyone anytime without that person offering to be involved. This is a good thing and is wildly freeing. Thank you for your wise, insightful words.
Thanks so much for this challenging article. I really appreciate your insight and was able to share it with a dear friend whose marriage and family relationships are threatened by bitterness, anger, and resentment over conflicting opinions. My friend wrote and thanked me for sharing your article with her. Blessings, <><
"Forgiveness also doesn’t mean restoration." Forgiveness happens in our own hearts, and before God. Many people wrestle with this their entire life. We get hurt by people. That is fact. But when we frame this forgiveness in the right way, in the way God looks at it, we might be able to take hold of something deep. In the thesaurus you find words like absolution, grace, mercy, acquittal, and these synonyms remind me of what Jesus does for me and my short comings. Sometimes it is a long hard road to forgive someone the grave wrongs they committed against us. I believe when you have settled in your heart that you no longer wish them harm, or demand some sort of justice, you have forgiven. God does take it a step further for us, as He puts out His hand to reconcile us back to Himself. It is our own choice. And so it is with the person who wronged us. What if they don't know they have wronged us? What if they don't want to restore the relationship? What if they have already passed away? This stuff will be settled in God's court. And there is where we have to place it. It is a hard thing to do. Our hurts are real. Our memories continually remind us of how it felt. And our intrinsic sense of justice and justification is part of the image of God in us, created by Him.
And yet, He tells us that He will vindicate all wrongs (Rom 12.19).
I am not finished pondering, and learning, and wrestling with this topic. At times, it feels as if I take one step forward and then 5 steps back. At times, I question if I have truly forgiven this person, or that one, for the deep hurt and despair they have caused me throughout my life.
At times, I remember that even those tragic, painful events, caused by another, contributed to who I am today. A more sensitive, deep thinking, cautious what comes out of my own mouth, kind of person. And that is something good.
I want to add a book recommendation here, Unpacking Forgiveness, by Chris Brauns.
His sound explanation of the connection between repentance and forgiveness in the biblical view helps me work through my pain and confusion over broken relationships. A must read for sure!
Oh, I needed this so much. Thank you! So many of the little pieces you shared of your story are the same as mine. My hurt was two years ago, in Feburary, when my closest and dearest friends decided they couldn't handle me when I was suicidal, so they talked amongst themselves behind my back and decided to just kick me out of the group. I was uninvited from Galentine's Weekend and they've not spoken to me since. It was horrible and traumatic and I've struggled to forgive. I'll be rereading your words and pondering them and praying over them as I try to move forward with real forgiveness.
Thank you for this Lore. Have been working through quite a bit, as we all have to wrestle to the varying degrees of harm, memories, internal harm and external harm (as so much of my story not only has done great internal damage, but also real external tangible consequences of housing, health, finances, financial poverty and so much more). The reminders of daily living out of the harm causing by others, and those most closet, are wounds that may just not fully heal in my life. It has shaped who I am, and recognize the process is so slow and requires the steadfast faithful, long-suffering patience of Christ to endure. Our paths are all different but am reminded how the pull to make the harm individualized, causing us to curve more and more inward out of self-protection. Since we feel it within ourselves, and this feeling can be so strong and intense, we forget or have no awareness of the damage it can also cause to others. For when one member suffers, the entire body of Christ suffers with it. Healing and forgiveness is very communal, but that has been one of the biggest challenges in my personal healing journey, which I feel will never end. Reaching out to others whom you trust to be 'safe place' to process, find help in those dark moments can actually increase the pain (especially to other Christians in your community), causing it to spiral and cascade even more. Pain has a bent toward finding other areas of lives, minds/hearts, relationships, experiences of invading, leaving a web of layers and layers of pain that feels suffocating.
On a side note, throughout my last couple of decades and now being in my 40s, the disorientation of my life has taken courses that severely leave you feeling more exposed, vulnerable, and need real tangible answers, as well the silent internal wrestling work (at times seems easier and other times harder). I am now beginning to explore going back to school (after having 3 college degrees that I have no alignment to where God has taken my life - disabilities, dozens upon dozens of surgeries, rejection and abandonment from most of my family and church community, singleness in a world of marriage/family, financial poverty, social isolation, and so much more - all of this can happen (and did) despite having the best of educations and a close "Christian" family growing up. So much deception and appearance of love that has caused so much damage that feels like it was take my entire lifetime to continue to explore.
Anyways, I am exploring something similar to what you highlighted in the opening section of this post, that you too were looking for a graduate program with a holistic bent that focused not only on the student’s future work in the formation of souls, but on the student’s own spiritual formation. I am trying to figure what type of program best aligns with where I am and what I am experienced, and what I am passionate about - counseling, MDiv, etc. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind sharing the program/school you ended up with or wouldn't mind chatting about privately at all. I'd love to find out more as it is pretty overwhelming and seems like your path has been somewhat similar to mine. Thanks so much for your posts - they are more where I am in the spiritual formation tension of life, expectation, our own stories and narratives, personal experiences and relationships that shape our theological lens (for good and for worse, etc), and so much more. Hoping we can chat at some point. I am new to the Substack platform and not sure if there is a private message feature or the easiest way to contact you. Thank you again!
Thank you for your brave, beauty and honest words, that challenged and encouraged me.
Quite beautiful. I agree. You nailed some crucial tenants of true forgiveness, I think. And you’re so right: it’s a one-person job; you can forgive anyone anytime without that person offering to be involved. This is a good thing and is wildly freeing. Thank you for your wise, insightful words.
Thanks so much for this challenging article. I really appreciate your insight and was able to share it with a dear friend whose marriage and family relationships are threatened by bitterness, anger, and resentment over conflicting opinions. My friend wrote and thanked me for sharing your article with her. Blessings, <><
"Forgiveness also doesn’t mean restoration." Forgiveness happens in our own hearts, and before God. Many people wrestle with this their entire life. We get hurt by people. That is fact. But when we frame this forgiveness in the right way, in the way God looks at it, we might be able to take hold of something deep. In the thesaurus you find words like absolution, grace, mercy, acquittal, and these synonyms remind me of what Jesus does for me and my short comings. Sometimes it is a long hard road to forgive someone the grave wrongs they committed against us. I believe when you have settled in your heart that you no longer wish them harm, or demand some sort of justice, you have forgiven. God does take it a step further for us, as He puts out His hand to reconcile us back to Himself. It is our own choice. And so it is with the person who wronged us. What if they don't know they have wronged us? What if they don't want to restore the relationship? What if they have already passed away? This stuff will be settled in God's court. And there is where we have to place it. It is a hard thing to do. Our hurts are real. Our memories continually remind us of how it felt. And our intrinsic sense of justice and justification is part of the image of God in us, created by Him.
And yet, He tells us that He will vindicate all wrongs (Rom 12.19).
I am not finished pondering, and learning, and wrestling with this topic. At times, it feels as if I take one step forward and then 5 steps back. At times, I question if I have truly forgiven this person, or that one, for the deep hurt and despair they have caused me throughout my life.
At times, I remember that even those tragic, painful events, caused by another, contributed to who I am today. A more sensitive, deep thinking, cautious what comes out of my own mouth, kind of person. And that is something good.
I want to add a book recommendation here, Unpacking Forgiveness, by Chris Brauns.
His sound explanation of the connection between repentance and forgiveness in the biblical view helps me work through my pain and confusion over broken relationships. A must read for sure!
Oh, I needed this so much. Thank you! So many of the little pieces you shared of your story are the same as mine. My hurt was two years ago, in Feburary, when my closest and dearest friends decided they couldn't handle me when I was suicidal, so they talked amongst themselves behind my back and decided to just kick me out of the group. I was uninvited from Galentine's Weekend and they've not spoken to me since. It was horrible and traumatic and I've struggled to forgive. I'll be rereading your words and pondering them and praying over them as I try to move forward with real forgiveness.
Beautiful, challenging words.
Yes and Amen!