I’ve been off Substack with you this summer and am just catching up on all you’ve been sharing. Thank you for being a model of changing as a writer and doing so with equal measures of grace and boldness (even when I’m sure you feel anything but).
I think everyone is feeling orphaned in some way these days, and we just seem to keep taking it out on each other, instead of looking for ways to knit together some new semblance of belonging from all our broken pieces. I’m trying to trust that Jesus will keep stubbornly and lovingly showing us how.
So much of this resonated. I am unbelievably grateful that my parents have not been sucked into the conservative right wing politics of so many of their peers. And yet even I still feel this sense of desolation from so much of how I was raised.
It is a grace to not have that desolation in addition to the desolation from how we were raised (although, I have plenty of objections to the ways I was raised too 😂)
There is so much of your post that I would like to quote that I loved(as people so often do here) that I would have to repeat the whole thing in this comment. And, I believe there are lessons in this time for us all to learn about ourselves. It's not that learning those will make other people's decisions or what is happening any better(fixing it), but we as individuals might have a chance to grow within ourselves in our relationship with God. This might result in us actually being there for others in ways we had never been able to before. That is my prayer and my hope. In the hour of utter ugliness, beauty springs forth from seemingly nowhere because it represents the life and love of the Creator as His gift to us. Ugliness only represents death and destruction by an enemy using those who are too proud of themselves to notice.
I think those of us who are from conservative families are processing this uniquely. Just to be raw here, one of my first thoughts after the assassination was "Charlie Kirk started Turning Point at 18. When I was 18, I *was* Charlie Kirk. I got to evolve and change, he didn't" and I felt such grief over that.
Such grief. I've thought so much the past few weeks about where I was at 31, 32, the age he was when he died, and how much I've changed my mind, regretted my dogmatism and certainty of years past.
You are not alone. I feel so caught in the middle of all of this and wonder what my small hands can do to make this world a better safer more colorful space. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone.
I really appreciate this post. I was raised conservative, but in the last 10 years or so, I've grown more liberal. Realistically, I'm probably more moderate; I don't think most liberals would consider me a true liberal! But my very conservative parents are completely convinced I'm no longer a Christian because I didn't vote for Trump. It's heartbreaking.
I think estrangement has been made easier for me than some others because, in my father's case, he's an invalid living on the other side of the country who probably doesn't even remember I exist 99.9% of the time. I mostly don't even receive news of him. It's different for those who are still fielding some sort of interaction, or who sense those on the other side of the inverse fishbowl always watching, still condemning. I'm sorry it's so hard.
A book I edited just released, and I think it might be either really triggering or really cathartic for you, probably both: Golden Child, by Lauren Smallcomb. She has a great deal of insight to share on the nature of this kind of orphaning. At the very least, know you're not alone.
Thank you! I could write so much about the schisms that have occurred in my own family. I will keep this comment short this time however. I come from a moderate mainline Christian family. I’m the oldest of 3 daughters. Our mom is still alert, alive, educated, and opinionated.
Our middle sister has gone full anti-vaxxer, full Christian Nationalist, and full red wearing hat MAGA.
Her overstepping boundaries and outrageous behavior have been a significant challenge. Despite great sadness, most of us in our nuclear family, as well as many in our extended family have chosen to cut off communication with her for our sanity and our mom’s wellbeing (She’s in her 90s).
The anti-vax stuff has been the hardest to handle. My mom has her Master’s in Microbiology and Immunology. My MAGA sister has spent 5 years sending our mom anti-vax garbage.
I have cerebral palsy because my mom, who was in her first trimester with me and didn’t know she was pregnant, contracted a novel virus of what they then called the “Asian Flu”. She had been treating special forces Ike had sent to SE Asia and were returning to the hospital in Philadelphia where she was working as a young newlywed.
She cleared the virus. I didn’t.
Anyway, I’ve tried with my MAGA sister, but I’ve given up.
I hope God can reach my sister through some other way.
I understand your loneliness. Many families and friend groups report the same types of estrangement.
In autocratic takeovers, this dividing of families, normal social groups, churches is a feature. It’s not a bug. These divisions are by design.
I honestly don't talk politics with any of my family at all. I just don't want to contribute to further fracturing in my life. That's my choice, someone else might make a different one and it is their right to do so. I love the family I still have relationships with and I don't want anything to get in the way of that.
I thought of you this morning. I was reading the very end of a book by Hanna Reichel. It’s “an emergency devotional” called For Such a Time as This. Here’s the quote that made me think of you:
“The end has already come. Our hope cannot remain tethered to the conditions that sustained it for so long that we started to mistake these conditions for our hope. It must be transformed…None of this is unprecedented; what is unprecedented is that today it is we who have to do the hard work of seeing idols smashed, grieving and picking up the pieces, holding them up to the sun, and seeing new refractions of light in their edges.”
I pictured your prism and the thirst for light. I found the book to be exactly what I needed. It’s a good mix of validation, historical context, and pastoral challenge.
Oh my goodness, Lore. I will add my discombobulated thoughts to your lovely ones and say I feel this way all the time! Outside looking in, never feeling like I belong (basically anywhere), questioning, doubting, exasperated, heart-aching, alienated, sometimes wishing there was a box I could crawl into with clearly defined parameters so my rule-following self can breathe more easily, cuz the thought of someone telling me what to do, where to go, what's "right" what's "wrong,"etc., somehow provides a weird level of comfort (because thinking and having to process my own thoughts can be utterly exhausting). BUT at the same time, gosh-darn it, I'd rather lay in the road than be crammed into anyone's box again!
Even with somewhat improved family relations in the past few years, I still feel clenched all.the.time. because I'm subconsciously (or consciously) waiting for something to blow up again, even though I also would not go back to the way things were before.
I feel like I'm on an island all by myself observing a massive party happening on another island and 1) my introverted self is like "thank GOD" I'm not on that island and at that party with all those people I don't know, but also 2) where are MY PEOPLE?! Will I ever have PEOPLE?! (My awesome husband is my people but we don't see eye to eye on everything either, which is totally fine, but still lends itself to feelings of aloneness in my views/beliefs at times, too. And if he's the only people I ever have, I am so grateful to have my favorite him).
I sometimes resonate with the right (but is that because I was raised on the right and there's still embedded residual ideas floating around inside me?), sometimes the left, but mostly I am horrified with the extremes of both and especially the marriage of politics and religion and how so much of what I see doesn't seem to resemble Jesus very much at all, while half the people in my life are celebrating how much Jesus is being proclaimed because of politics? I find myself groping around just trying to find a road that's paved with common sense and half - not even full - decency.
I feel like I live in a constant state of being horrified, demoralized, and half-panicked at the state of things, while also scrolling through adorable cat videos, alongside rapture videos floating around the past few days that would have had me freaking out in the 80's, but I'm crying and howling with laughter now (this one in particular has me dying: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DO6m523kZ3M/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link).
I work at a church but don't go to church and honestly don't want to for the foreseeable future. Make THAT make sense. At any rant...I mean rate, I am so grateful you crafted two resonating posts in two days. You are not alone in how you feel. And clearly I'm not either. And I think you writing about it and me (and others) responding to it is how we navigate those orphan feelings and it also helps us really know we're not alone. Gosh, I don't usually hijack - I mean comment - at length like this and I promise not to do it again for a very long time! Big hugs. :-)
I only go to church now because I found one that is focused on Jesus and no one else. If anyone starts to make a comment that is political, the pastors gently interrupt and remind them we are here for Jesus, and Jesus alone, don't worry, don't panic, just do today what He is telling you to do. Period.
Very caught between the two, don't agree completely with either one, and appreciate your validation that I am not alone. None of us are-- though it can certainly feel that way. Keep on. Keep on.
I’m a Christian and left-leaning moderate, as are my parents. I’ve felt “orphaned” by my church of origin and unable to attend my current church. I’m weary of the current dialogue surrounding the death and legacy of the man mentioned and MAGA’s response. It hurts to be viewed as an outsider and unbeliever, when our relationships as siblings in Christ ought to supersede our political beliefs. If anything, the past ten years have made my heart incredibly tender toward non-Christians. They’re easier for me to love right now. But I want to exude the fruit of the Spirit toward all people, including Christians on the far-right who question my faith and character. So be it. Lord, help me.
Thanks for this, Lore. My (sporadic) Substack is called "Still Here" for largely the reasons you say. I share several components of the family history you've shared, so claiming to be "still here" in the faith, on earth at all, still present in my family, has required bravery. One of the ways God is calling me to be brave these days is to be honest about what make it hard to stay here and to show up in the ways I want to. Your column (not accidentally named) has been so encouraging as I tiptoe out into this calling. It's tough to be orphaned. Yet still to love. It's tough to remain soft amid the violence. It's good to be honest about it.
I’ve been off Substack with you this summer and am just catching up on all you’ve been sharing. Thank you for being a model of changing as a writer and doing so with equal measures of grace and boldness (even when I’m sure you feel anything but).
I think everyone is feeling orphaned in some way these days, and we just seem to keep taking it out on each other, instead of looking for ways to knit together some new semblance of belonging from all our broken pieces. I’m trying to trust that Jesus will keep stubbornly and lovingly showing us how.
Thank you for being here, Tabitha. I see the work you're doing and am glad you keep showing up.
😭 I so needed this today. Thank you.
So much of this resonated. I am unbelievably grateful that my parents have not been sucked into the conservative right wing politics of so many of their peers. And yet even I still feel this sense of desolation from so much of how I was raised.
It is a grace to not have that desolation in addition to the desolation from how we were raised (although, I have plenty of objections to the ways I was raised too 😂)
There is so much of your post that I would like to quote that I loved(as people so often do here) that I would have to repeat the whole thing in this comment. And, I believe there are lessons in this time for us all to learn about ourselves. It's not that learning those will make other people's decisions or what is happening any better(fixing it), but we as individuals might have a chance to grow within ourselves in our relationship with God. This might result in us actually being there for others in ways we had never been able to before. That is my prayer and my hope. In the hour of utter ugliness, beauty springs forth from seemingly nowhere because it represents the life and love of the Creator as His gift to us. Ugliness only represents death and destruction by an enemy using those who are too proud of themselves to notice.
Thank you for being here, Jennifer =)
I think those of us who are from conservative families are processing this uniquely. Just to be raw here, one of my first thoughts after the assassination was "Charlie Kirk started Turning Point at 18. When I was 18, I *was* Charlie Kirk. I got to evolve and change, he didn't" and I felt such grief over that.
Such grief. I've thought so much the past few weeks about where I was at 31, 32, the age he was when he died, and how much I've changed my mind, regretted my dogmatism and certainty of years past.
Thank you for putting these emotions and thoughts into words, Lore. You are. You are. You are the virtue and goodness we need right now.
Oh goodness, thank you. I don't know if I believe that, but thank you for saying it.
You are not alone. I feel so caught in the middle of all of this and wonder what my small hands can do to make this world a better safer more colorful space. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone.
You're not alone.
I really love this post. Thank you for articulating these hard things.
Of course, thank you for being here.
I really appreciate this post. I was raised conservative, but in the last 10 years or so, I've grown more liberal. Realistically, I'm probably more moderate; I don't think most liberals would consider me a true liberal! But my very conservative parents are completely convinced I'm no longer a Christian because I didn't vote for Trump. It's heartbreaking.
It is heartbreaking. A particular kind of grief. I'm so sorry.
I think estrangement has been made easier for me than some others because, in my father's case, he's an invalid living on the other side of the country who probably doesn't even remember I exist 99.9% of the time. I mostly don't even receive news of him. It's different for those who are still fielding some sort of interaction, or who sense those on the other side of the inverse fishbowl always watching, still condemning. I'm sorry it's so hard.
A book I edited just released, and I think it might be either really triggering or really cathartic for you, probably both: Golden Child, by Lauren Smallcomb. She has a great deal of insight to share on the nature of this kind of orphaning. At the very least, know you're not alone.
It is different, though not, I would think, any more or less hard. I'm so sorry that's your situation. I will check out the book!
Thank you! I could write so much about the schisms that have occurred in my own family. I will keep this comment short this time however. I come from a moderate mainline Christian family. I’m the oldest of 3 daughters. Our mom is still alert, alive, educated, and opinionated.
Our middle sister has gone full anti-vaxxer, full Christian Nationalist, and full red wearing hat MAGA.
Her overstepping boundaries and outrageous behavior have been a significant challenge. Despite great sadness, most of us in our nuclear family, as well as many in our extended family have chosen to cut off communication with her for our sanity and our mom’s wellbeing (She’s in her 90s).
The anti-vax stuff has been the hardest to handle. My mom has her Master’s in Microbiology and Immunology. My MAGA sister has spent 5 years sending our mom anti-vax garbage.
I have cerebral palsy because my mom, who was in her first trimester with me and didn’t know she was pregnant, contracted a novel virus of what they then called the “Asian Flu”. She had been treating special forces Ike had sent to SE Asia and were returning to the hospital in Philadelphia where she was working as a young newlywed.
She cleared the virus. I didn’t.
Anyway, I’ve tried with my MAGA sister, but I’ve given up.
I hope God can reach my sister through some other way.
I understand your loneliness. Many families and friend groups report the same types of estrangement.
In autocratic takeovers, this dividing of families, normal social groups, churches is a feature. It’s not a bug. These divisions are by design.
I honestly don't talk politics with any of my family at all. I just don't want to contribute to further fracturing in my life. That's my choice, someone else might make a different one and it is their right to do so. I love the family I still have relationships with and I don't want anything to get in the way of that.
Lore! Thank you. Me too.
I thought of you this morning. I was reading the very end of a book by Hanna Reichel. It’s “an emergency devotional” called For Such a Time as This. Here’s the quote that made me think of you:
“The end has already come. Our hope cannot remain tethered to the conditions that sustained it for so long that we started to mistake these conditions for our hope. It must be transformed…None of this is unprecedented; what is unprecedented is that today it is we who have to do the hard work of seeing idols smashed, grieving and picking up the pieces, holding them up to the sun, and seeing new refractions of light in their edges.”
I pictured your prism and the thirst for light. I found the book to be exactly what I needed. It’s a good mix of validation, historical context, and pastoral challenge.
Oh wow! I love this. Is it a book? Online?
https://www.eerdmans.com/9781467470575/for-such-a-time-as-this/
I loved it. I’m going to read it again with a few friends.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about this present moment. It helps to hear how others are processing, and it makes everyone feel less alone!
Oh my goodness, Lore. I will add my discombobulated thoughts to your lovely ones and say I feel this way all the time! Outside looking in, never feeling like I belong (basically anywhere), questioning, doubting, exasperated, heart-aching, alienated, sometimes wishing there was a box I could crawl into with clearly defined parameters so my rule-following self can breathe more easily, cuz the thought of someone telling me what to do, where to go, what's "right" what's "wrong,"etc., somehow provides a weird level of comfort (because thinking and having to process my own thoughts can be utterly exhausting). BUT at the same time, gosh-darn it, I'd rather lay in the road than be crammed into anyone's box again!
Even with somewhat improved family relations in the past few years, I still feel clenched all.the.time. because I'm subconsciously (or consciously) waiting for something to blow up again, even though I also would not go back to the way things were before.
I feel like I'm on an island all by myself observing a massive party happening on another island and 1) my introverted self is like "thank GOD" I'm not on that island and at that party with all those people I don't know, but also 2) where are MY PEOPLE?! Will I ever have PEOPLE?! (My awesome husband is my people but we don't see eye to eye on everything either, which is totally fine, but still lends itself to feelings of aloneness in my views/beliefs at times, too. And if he's the only people I ever have, I am so grateful to have my favorite him).
I sometimes resonate with the right (but is that because I was raised on the right and there's still embedded residual ideas floating around inside me?), sometimes the left, but mostly I am horrified with the extremes of both and especially the marriage of politics and religion and how so much of what I see doesn't seem to resemble Jesus very much at all, while half the people in my life are celebrating how much Jesus is being proclaimed because of politics? I find myself groping around just trying to find a road that's paved with common sense and half - not even full - decency.
I feel like I live in a constant state of being horrified, demoralized, and half-panicked at the state of things, while also scrolling through adorable cat videos, alongside rapture videos floating around the past few days that would have had me freaking out in the 80's, but I'm crying and howling with laughter now (this one in particular has me dying: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DO6m523kZ3M/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link).
I work at a church but don't go to church and honestly don't want to for the foreseeable future. Make THAT make sense. At any rant...I mean rate, I am so grateful you crafted two resonating posts in two days. You are not alone in how you feel. And clearly I'm not either. And I think you writing about it and me (and others) responding to it is how we navigate those orphan feelings and it also helps us really know we're not alone. Gosh, I don't usually hijack - I mean comment - at length like this and I promise not to do it again for a very long time! Big hugs. :-)
I love you. Thank you for saying all these things. I'm glad I know you and we have these things in common.
Likewise! xx
I only go to church now because I found one that is focused on Jesus and no one else. If anyone starts to make a comment that is political, the pastors gently interrupt and remind them we are here for Jesus, and Jesus alone, don't worry, don't panic, just do today what He is telling you to do. Period.
Very caught between the two, don't agree completely with either one, and appreciate your validation that I am not alone. None of us are-- though it can certainly feel that way. Keep on. Keep on.
Same here. Not sure we're supposed to =)
I’m a Christian and left-leaning moderate, as are my parents. I’ve felt “orphaned” by my church of origin and unable to attend my current church. I’m weary of the current dialogue surrounding the death and legacy of the man mentioned and MAGA’s response. It hurts to be viewed as an outsider and unbeliever, when our relationships as siblings in Christ ought to supersede our political beliefs. If anything, the past ten years have made my heart incredibly tender toward non-Christians. They’re easier for me to love right now. But I want to exude the fruit of the Spirit toward all people, including Christians on the far-right who question my faith and character. So be it. Lord, help me.
The feeling orphaned by the church is a real thing. I'm with you there.
Thanks for this, Lore. My (sporadic) Substack is called "Still Here" for largely the reasons you say. I share several components of the family history you've shared, so claiming to be "still here" in the faith, on earth at all, still present in my family, has required bravery. One of the ways God is calling me to be brave these days is to be honest about what make it hard to stay here and to show up in the ways I want to. Your column (not accidentally named) has been so encouraging as I tiptoe out into this calling. It's tough to be orphaned. Yet still to love. It's tough to remain soft amid the violence. It's good to be honest about it.
Yes. It is good to be honest. Being honest helps us be whole.