Oh my goodness, Lore. I will add my discombobulated thoughts to your lovely ones and say I feel this way all the time! Outside looking in, never feeling like I belong (basically anywhere), questioning, doubting, exasperated, heart-aching, alienated, sometimes wishing there was a box I could crawl into with clearly defined parameters so my rule-following self can breathe more easily, cuz the thought of someone telling me what to do, where to go, what's "right" what's "wrong,"etc., somehow provides a weird level of comfort (because thinking and having to process my own thoughts can be utterly exhausting). BUT at the same time, gosh-darn it, I'd rather lay in the road than be crammed into anyone's box again!
Even with somewhat improved family relations in the past few years, I still feel clenched all.the.time. because I'm subconsciously (or consciously) waiting for something to blow up again, even though I also would not go back to the way things were before.
I feel like I'm on an island all by myself observing a massive party happening on another island and 1) my introverted self is like "thank GOD" I'm not on that island and at that party with all those people I don't know, but also 2) where are MY PEOPLE?! Will I ever have PEOPLE?! (My awesome husband is my people but we don't see eye to eye on everything either, which is totally fine, but still lends itself to feelings of aloneness in my views/beliefs at times, too. And if he's the only people I ever have, I am so grateful to have my favorite him).
I sometimes resonate with the right (but is that because I was raised on the right and there's still embedded residual ideas floating around inside me?), sometimes the left, but mostly I am horrified with the extremes of both and especially the marriage of politics and religion and how so much of what I see doesn't seem to resemble Jesus very much at all, while half the people in my life are celebrating how much Jesus is being proclaimed because of politics? I find myself groping around just trying to find a road that's paved with common sense and half - not even full - decency.
I feel like I live in a constant state of being horrified, demoralized, and half-panicked at the state of things, while also scrolling through adorable cat videos, alongside rapture videos floating around the past few days that would have had me freaking out in the 80's, but I'm crying and howling with laughter now (this one in particular has me dying: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DO6m523kZ3M/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link).
I work at a church but don't go to church and honestly don't want to for the foreseeable future. Make THAT make sense. At any rant...I mean rate, I am so grateful you crafted two resonating posts in two days. You are not alone in how you feel. And clearly I'm not either. And I think you writing about it and me (and others) responding to it is how we navigate those orphan feelings and it also helps us really know we're not alone. Gosh, I don't usually hijack - I mean comment - at length like this and I promise not to do it again for a very long time! Big hugs. :-)
Very caught between the two, don't agree completely with either one, and appreciate your validation that I am not alone. None of us are-- though it can certainly feel that way. Keep on. Keep on.
I’m a Christian and left-leaning moderate, as are my parents. I’ve felt “orphaned” by my church of origin and unable to attend my current church. I’m weary of the current dialogue surrounding the death and legacy of the man mentioned and MAGA’s response. It hurts to be viewed as an outsider and unbeliever, when our relationships as siblings in Christ ought to supersede our political beliefs. If anything, the past ten years have made my heart incredibly tender toward non-Christians. They’re easier for me to love right now. But I want to exude the fruit of the Spirit toward all people, including Christians on the far-right who question my faith and character. So be it. Lord, help me.
Thanks for this, Lore. My (sporadic) Substack is called "Still Here" for largely the reasons you say. I share several components of the family history you've shared, so claiming to be "still here" in the faith, on earth at all, still present in my family, has required bravery. One of the ways God is calling me to be brave these days is to be honest about what make it hard to stay here and to show up in the ways I want to. Your column (not accidentally named) has been so encouraging as I tiptoe out into this calling. It's tough to be orphaned. Yet still to love. It's tough to remain soft amid the violence. It's good to be honest about it.
Speak! Sistah speak truth! My arms are up, my feet are stomping, and I WILL shout in response. Orphan no more, we gather. (see art from Benny Andrews, 1994 "Revival Meeting")
Oh my goodness, Lore. I will add my discombobulated thoughts to your lovely ones and say I feel this way all the time! Outside looking in, never feeling like I belong (basically anywhere), questioning, doubting, exasperated, heart-aching, alienated, sometimes wishing there was a box I could crawl into with clearly defined parameters so my rule-following self can breathe more easily, cuz the thought of someone telling me what to do, where to go, what's "right" what's "wrong,"etc., somehow provides a weird level of comfort (because thinking and having to process my own thoughts can be utterly exhausting). BUT at the same time, gosh-darn it, I'd rather lay in the road than be crammed into anyone's box again!
Even with somewhat improved family relations in the past few years, I still feel clenched all.the.time. because I'm subconsciously (or consciously) waiting for something to blow up again, even though I also would not go back to the way things were before.
I feel like I'm on an island all by myself observing a massive party happening on another island and 1) my introverted self is like "thank GOD" I'm not on that island and at that party with all those people I don't know, but also 2) where are MY PEOPLE?! Will I ever have PEOPLE?! (My awesome husband is my people but we don't see eye to eye on everything either, which is totally fine, but still lends itself to feelings of aloneness in my views/beliefs at times, too. And if he's the only people I ever have, I am so grateful to have my favorite him).
I sometimes resonate with the right (but is that because I was raised on the right and there's still embedded residual ideas floating around inside me?), sometimes the left, but mostly I am horrified with the extremes of both and especially the marriage of politics and religion and how so much of what I see doesn't seem to resemble Jesus very much at all, while half the people in my life are celebrating how much Jesus is being proclaimed because of politics? I find myself groping around just trying to find a road that's paved with common sense and half - not even full - decency.
I feel like I live in a constant state of being horrified, demoralized, and half-panicked at the state of things, while also scrolling through adorable cat videos, alongside rapture videos floating around the past few days that would have had me freaking out in the 80's, but I'm crying and howling with laughter now (this one in particular has me dying: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DO6m523kZ3M/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link).
I work at a church but don't go to church and honestly don't want to for the foreseeable future. Make THAT make sense. At any rant...I mean rate, I am so grateful you crafted two resonating posts in two days. You are not alone in how you feel. And clearly I'm not either. And I think you writing about it and me (and others) responding to it is how we navigate those orphan feelings and it also helps us really know we're not alone. Gosh, I don't usually hijack - I mean comment - at length like this and I promise not to do it again for a very long time! Big hugs. :-)
Very caught between the two, don't agree completely with either one, and appreciate your validation that I am not alone. None of us are-- though it can certainly feel that way. Keep on. Keep on.
I’m a Christian and left-leaning moderate, as are my parents. I’ve felt “orphaned” by my church of origin and unable to attend my current church. I’m weary of the current dialogue surrounding the death and legacy of the man mentioned and MAGA’s response. It hurts to be viewed as an outsider and unbeliever, when our relationships as siblings in Christ ought to supersede our political beliefs. If anything, the past ten years have made my heart incredibly tender toward non-Christians. They’re easier for me to love right now. But I want to exude the fruit of the Spirit toward all people, including Christians on the far-right who question my faith and character. So be it. Lord, help me.
Thanks for this, Lore. My (sporadic) Substack is called "Still Here" for largely the reasons you say. I share several components of the family history you've shared, so claiming to be "still here" in the faith, on earth at all, still present in my family, has required bravery. One of the ways God is calling me to be brave these days is to be honest about what make it hard to stay here and to show up in the ways I want to. Your column (not accidentally named) has been so encouraging as I tiptoe out into this calling. It's tough to be orphaned. Yet still to love. It's tough to remain soft amid the violence. It's good to be honest about it.
Speak! Sistah speak truth! My arms are up, my feet are stomping, and I WILL shout in response. Orphan no more, we gather. (see art from Benny Andrews, 1994 "Revival Meeting")