#2 You Asked, I [responded] Answered

Monthly-ish Q&A

Here is the second installment of You Asked, I Answered which means mostly that you asked me questions on Instagram and I muddled around until I landed on a few words in response. Got some doozies on the upcoming election, LGBTQ and the church, pastoral authority, and learning to hear the voice of God in here today so hopefully this will be helpful for all!

How are you emotionally and mentally preparing for another election year?

This is a great question. I think writing The Understory over the past year has been such a great exercise for me in working through so many of the issues I’ve faced over the last few elections. 2016 was just, I don’t know, shocking? It required me to come face to face with my own perceived politics in a way I don’t think I’d ever done before. Those next four years really worked me over personally in a good way. 2020, on the other hand, required me to come face to face with those around me in a way I hadn’t before. I felt like a different person inside, but now I had to be that person on the outside too. I don’t know what I’m going to have to face in 2024 around the election, but looking at the polls right now, the options aren’t great (in my perspective). It’s made me care more about my local politics than I have before. I think no matter who gets elected as president, it’s going to be a s#1+ show. So I just need to prepare my heart for that. Releasing The Understory in 2024, though, will be a good exercise for me in that =)

Practices that help couples connect deeply.

Different things are going to help different couples connect. Nate and I connect well over deep and sometimes hard conversations, those are the moments we see the most growth in love happen for us. But other couples connect deeply over shared fun or physical touch. It’s going to be different for everyone. But I do think that conversations without distractions are necessary and needed and should be prioritized however you can get them.

What are some questions you and Nate worked through when deciding where to live/move to?

In the first eight months of our marriage, when it was becoming clear we might need to move, Nate made a matrix of our ideal place to put down roots. I have never, not once in my life made a matrix. I barely even make pro-con lists. I very much make decisions based on a gut sense (some might call that the Holy Spirit, I don’t know, I just have a sense of knowing inside me). But here was this guy [my husband!] who thought through everything in a very technical way. We took the things we thought of as priority—for us that was 1. Four seasons, 2. Close to nature, 3. College town, 4. Post-Christian or dechurched, 5. A place we can both work from (remote or local), 6. Under 200,000 people—and went from there. It took us a while to find that, but eventually we landed on Portland, ME or Burlington, VT. Then the pandemic happened and through a series of events, we landed here instead. Our town meets all those criteria but brought with it another set of challenges we wouldn’t have faced in those other two cities. We would have faced other challenges there though. I think one thing we’ve learned, though, is that his matrix and my gut have to both play a part in our decision making. We’ve made a lot of poor decisions when we’ve only used one.

Did you ever think God just might not have marriage for you (when you were single)?

Yep. All the time. But the truth was, as long as I wasn’t married, God didn’t have marriage for me then. For me it became more about learning to live right in the season in which I was living, it helped me live more fully instead of always waiting for or thinking about or being afraid about my future. That makes it seem really simple or easy and it wasn’t. It was hard. But I use all those same muscles in my life today so it wasn’t a waste. It’s never a waste to live fully in each day.

What are your thoughts on pastoral authority?

I have lots of thoughts, too many for a Q&A, but I did write this whole post on it and hopefully it helps.

How is Harper’s paw?

Thank you for asking, so sweet! The truth is, I’m afraid her feet are messed up permanently. I don’t know if that’s true, but it’s beginning to feel like it. It’s a long story but in short, she split a few of her nails one night throwing herself at our fence to chase a cat and then wouldn’t let us touch her paws to clip the rest of her nails (the nerves were exposed on the split nails). We brought her to the vet three times before they finally suggested putting her under to clip them (I hadn’t known this was an option or we’d have done it first thing), and in the meantime, the rest of her nails began splitting until it was a game of whack-a-mole in the very worst way. We finally put her under and clipped them all and the vet cauterized them but it still hasn’t fixed the problem entirely and she’s still in pain. It’s been a very long six months for her. Anyway, TMI maybe, but you asked!

Thoughts on the harm the church has inflicted on the LGBTQIA community?

So many thoughts! But one big one is that proximity is one of the best ways we can stop harming any marginalized group, regardless of who they are. A lot of times we don’t even know we’re harming someone until we begin to love someone in their demographic. Once we love them, though, we’re faced with all of our internal and external biases and (hopefully) we can grow in self-awareness. So I don’t think corporate repair can happen with any minority group until personal growth happens within personal relationships. I think when we get into the weeds of corporate apologies it gets really messy really fast because who is apologizing? Just the leader? The leader for everyone? Does everyone mean it? Does everyone mean it in the same way? What is repair? How long will repair take? Who gets to decide what repair is? What if those who get to decide what repair is disagree with one another? See? I’m not saying we shouldn’t ask all those questions when a church has harmed any minority group or person, but I do think that the harm will only be healed through the actions of one by one by one by one. I hope that makes sense.

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If you could write one book that YOU want to write, what would it be?

Honestly? I’d probably write a memoir without fear or a really thick novel.

Please talk more about remarriage after divorce?

I think that Nate and I will do a Zoom about this on one of our monthly zoom calls. I hope that’s okay. He has studied this far more deeply than I have and has a lot of wisdom (and experience) that I don’t have!

How should churches handle sexuality? Require same position or allow diversity?

This is a pretty complex question (which you knew, friend ;)) but I’m guessing what you’re asking is “Require all be affirming/non-affirming or allow diversity?” But even within that question there’s a question of chastity and monogamy and covenant and more. And beyond that, there’s question about what constitutes affirming. Do we affirm gay marriage but not unmarried gay sex? Do we affirm queer people but not affirm medications or surgeries for gender-affirming care for children under 18? Well, what does “gender-affirming care” look like when a child is 13 and has gender dysphoria?

You knew this was a complex question =) I don’t think it’s as simple as affirming/non-affirming and it never was. I do believe however that church should be a safe place to have these conversations without fear of being excommunicated or marginalized or fired or ousted in some way, and right now, it’s just not.

One thing churches could do is hold more meetings like the ones you’ve held at your church with multi-faith leaders in good conscience. Can we have more of that and stop pretending this is a black and white, right and wrong, easy-peasy issue? It’s not, but only those who are willing to enter into those sticky conversations are going to be able to see that.

What does it look like to hear the Holy Spirit? Been listening to spiritual authorities my whole life and I’m not even sure how to listen without just hearing my own thoughts?

Ooooooh, friend. Your own beautiful thoughts are never your own! Why? Because God lives within you, gave you a heart, a mind, a soul, a gut, an intuition, an innate sense of right and wrong, and so much more. Yes, we have an enemy but I really believe that if you’re seeking God, worshipping Jesus, keeping Jesus at the center of you and your life, the enemy is not going to have a foothold there. Those beautiful thoughts you’re hearing? That’s God helping you to trust and believe and confess and grow toward intimacy with the Spirit.

What’s the best soup recipe?

All soup, like all pie, is the best. But the best one in November is not the same best one in June, so I will give you the best one in November. It is always and forever chicken and wild rice soup. It doesn’t matter how you make it but the secret ingredient to every soup (and especially chicken and wild rice soup) is lemon zest at the end. Just trust me, don’t ask questions.

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