How Are You? Fine, Thank You. How Are You?
Fine, thank you. How are you? Fine, thank you. How are you?
Years ago I determined I would not answer the question, “How are you?” with “Fine.” I would choose to believe the question came honestly and therefore deserved an honest answer—the level of depth, of course, depending on the relationship. It is easy to break eye contact in the moment of the ask, to catch yourself asking the question, Should I be honest? Should I just glaze over it? What kind of conversation can they handle? What can I handle?
I am not speaking of going on a monologue of all the ups, downs, ins, outs of my being in response to their question. I am simply saying, it has been an exercise in trust in my fellow-human to give seven or eight words more than just fine.
The truth is, friends, no one is doing fine these days. I don’t know a single person who is truly doing just fine. Either their kids are spinning out or their spouse is. Either their finances are a mess or their house is. Either they’re more lonely than they’ve ever been or they’re surrounded by so many people and needs that they can’t catch a moment for themselves. And the worst part of all that is sometimes it’s not an either/or. Sometimes it’s both things happening at the same time.
Actually, probably most times it’s both things.
I’ve learned to hardly ask the question, “How are you?” any longer. I just don’t know if it’s a helpful question. We’re too conditioned to lie the answer or pretend the answer or not even know the answer. A better question is maybe, “Have you found the thing you need for X?” or “Are you feeling good in your body these days?” or “What is the hardest thing in your house/home these days?” or “I have 30 minutes/you have 30 minutes, just say all the things you feel like you need to say aloud, no matter what they are.”
Most of us can’t afford therapy and goodness knows, the racket otherwise known as insurance isn’t really interested in covering anything normal people actually need (like dental, vision, and someone to freaking talk to), so it’s rare to have someone face you and say any of the above and really mean it for you. It’s hard to believe it when it happens and it catches us off guard if it does.
Some people have no problem giving an answer to the question when it’s asked. I know a lot of those people. You do too. But those people are probably not the people turning the question around on those who asked it to begin with.
So, I don’t know, maybe today would be a good day to ask the question of someone or to tell the truth when someone asks it of you. And in case no one is asking it of you, I’m asking it of you now and you can answer in the comments (which are behind a paywall for this post, so you have some semblance of who is reading your answer).
How is home for you now?
How is your body feeling?
What are you worried about?
What are you excited about?
Let’s just start there.
Love, Lore
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